Though she be but tiny, she is fierce.
I just LOVE that phrase – it reminds me of my mother and her fire for life and the spunk she added to everything she did. It reminds me of my granddaughter and how the impact of her heartbeat, long before her first breath - changed the direction and purpose of my life (she turns 3 next month – so she's got a little sass in her step now too, to go with her 'fierceness'). It also reminds me of a friend of mine, who was married last Saturday, becoming a wife and step mother, and someone I would have never imagined would be such a source of support and faith and example to me when she walked into my life. I feel that phrase holds true for me on occasion too, especially when I've been underestimated.
The morning of her wedding, I was thinking of my friend and how there are enough trials that just naturally come in our roles as a wife, but the work of a stepparent is SO much harder and definitely one of the most difficult roles I have. There is such a fragile line and while I am a stepchild, a stepsister and a stepmother - that stepmother gig is definitely the toughest. The mere connotations of being a ‘step’ anything is rough to me. I can’t even stand it. The first time my stepdaughter called me her stepmom, I know I just snarled up my face immediately, I didn’t even realize until that moment, but I truly hated that title. It doesn’t even come close to reflecting my interest in my stepchildren, my commitment to their lives, my connection to them as the children of my husband and the complete love I have for them that they may never realize. We’ve had multiple discussions from even before I married their dad that my function was never to replace their mom, they get ONE mom and the mother she is to them is the mom they get. My role is always to be an additional source of support to them, a resource – if you will, in whatever shape that takes. In my relationship with my stepdad, I was so conflicted for a long time because I felt that I was betraying my dad if I had any affection for my stepdad. My dad was my everything so I was pretty adamant I wasn’t going to be caring for this stepdad fellow….at all. You add in 2 redheads and our stubborn personalities and this Leo’s pride – and you have a quite a recipe for disaster. You will also know that today, that stepdad fellow holds a pretty hefty place in my heart – though I still don't feel his title reflects his impact on my life and heart, but it is what it is.
What changed? Time.
What happened? Time.
Eventually, I figured out he wasn’t really the bad guy in my life – and I think I really just got tired of carrying the anger and figured that he was always going to be around, so I'd better at least be civil. And he was around. He was there for my graduation. And when I made the Dean’s List. And when I was miserable carrying and later delivered my children (drove me to the hospital for one of them). He has been around for so many birthdays, and for Easters, Thanksgivings and Christmases. Year after year after year. As my mother’s health declined, he was there. In and out of the hospital and back again, for decades. He’s been there. And there’s been no grand gifts or trips or houses or cars, there are no motives, no agendas – just love and acceptance. Through good and bad, up and down, thick and thin.
At some point, I finally started ‘adult-ing’ and figured out how incredible the heart is. The human heart is roughly 3.5” x 5” – not so big. They actually make a picture that size, but people are usually looking for at least a 5” x 7”, if not an 8” x 10”. If you walk into a room – you really have to be paying attention to see the 3.5” x 5’, they don’t necessarily jump out at you. That’s not a very big organ either, given its function. Lucky for me my stepdad provided some forgiveness on his end for my poor behavior because I wasn’t a very nice person to him for a while. In addition, at some point I had to forgive myself. I was bound and determined that I did not need him and would not need to get along with him to carry on in my life and you know what? I probably didn’t. I’m sure that even if I went the rest of my days without building bridges, extending that ‘olive branch’ or providing forgiveness, I’d get along ok – and so would he, but I think I’ve talked about this before, and my poor little heart would be SO heavy. In guilt, shame, anger, bitterness….I’d much rather have a light heart. Our hearts were built for forgiveness and expansion and sometimes forgiveness has to be exercised for those who don’t ask for, want, or even know they need it and through that forgiveness your heart is allowed to grow. In the book of Luke, chapter 6, verse 37 – we are told, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned.". I am thoughtful today about the capacity of the human heart and how incredible it is that we have the ability to love and be loved with an infinite width and depth. There truly is NO end to the love you can give or receive, but we also need to be mindful of what our expectations are in return (there should be none) - we are to give our love freely as we see in Matthew 10:8 “As you go, preach this message: ‘The kingdom of heaven is near.’ Heal the sick, raise the dead…drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.”.
I share that experience of mine for anyone else who may find themselves struggling in their ‘step’ role from time to time, but also because it demonstrates the surprise of the friendship we found in each other. I wasn’t looking or expecting to find friendship, much less love for my stepdad (I underestimated him) or with my friend (I underestimated her too), and quite honestly I underestimated myself and whether I could be open to these relationships. I was so impressed to see how naturally and easily my friend would use God’s word to comfort me in the loss of Keegan and in many other areas of my life and although I never necessarily deserved that grace from her, I sure am grateful to have an opportunity to reciprocate. When I went shopping for our wedding gift to her and her groom, I had no clue what to get them. I was sure they had their home full of whatever things they wanted and had no indication they needed anything in particular but the older I get, the more I want to make sure people have something tangible from me. For Christmas, I gave her (as part of my Team Brave ladies) a clock – as a symbol of appreciation for the time we've spent together this past year, building our friendships and each other up in Christ. At any rate, I walked into the gift shop pretty clueless as to what I was looking for, but how ironic that I would find a collection of decorative pieces with olive branches – one of the things I grabbed was a picture frame right around 3.5” x 5”…. so we definitely had to make sure they had that! I hope they put something in there that reminds them of being underestimated, because I would want them both to be able to easily recall – that when we open our hearts to an opportunity to give love freely – there is no telling what will come of it. I have no doubt that their marriage is a result of that investment and we have built a great friendship on that single opportunity. I am certain that she and her groom, along with her stepdaughter, will build an amazing life in spite of other's underestimations – because though she be but little, she is quite fierce.
Some of you might be sitting through all of this trying to figure out what any of it has to do with Keegan and my grief – so to pull it all back around - there are many days that I am just not sure what the point of stepping through another day of work and chores and life is worth. What is the point when one of my children just isn't here? My heart is very broken, I miss him terribly and even worse, is that I have to helplessly watch my children experience this tremendous grief – but I do have a recourse. I can sit at this very superficial level and talk about how this is bullshit (sorry to offend, but it is) or I can remember the promises God made to me, that he is with me - will NOT forsake me and to share that with my children (and you). WHY did Satan choose me and my family to attack? Oh right – he underestimated us. Clearly, he forgot who our Father is. Pshhh.
