Right Hand Man

We have all been struggling to work through our grief as the holidays neared and my eldest son is certainly no exception. He pleasantly surprised me today, as he had written something he wanted to share with everyone on how he's coping and managing to bring some progress to his grief and perspective. I am proud that he was brave enough to put all of this into words, honored that he asked to share it here and privileged - that this young man, calls me 'Mom'.

As Christmas has drawn closer and closer, the holidays have been increasingly different than any other years I have experienced. Holidays, of course, are usually always filled with food, family, fun, and gifts each year for us. This year has felt empty and hollow compared to years past. I know a majority, if not all of it stems from Keegan not being here with us physically. It's put me in a slump the last month or so that has been hard to get out of, filled with many emotions. I have been in a so called "hibernation mode" lately where I have not gone and done much, talked to many people, or really done anything at all. I have done a lot of sitting at home in quietness and kept to myself, and I have been okay with that honestly. That all came to an end after this past weekend.

A few months ago I created a plan that I wanted to go out and complete every goal or dream that Keegan and I ever had together. The top three things were easy to come up with (in no specific order):

1. Watch an Ohio State game in Columbus, OH

2. Go mountain climbing in Colorado

3. Watch a Tech N9ne concert in his hometown of Kansas City, MO

This past weekend my dad, a good group of our friends, and myself went to complete one goal off this list.... See Tech N9ne in Kansas City. To most this would be kind of "whatever". Fair enough, Tech N9ne is not everyone's flavor of music. To us, this was about to be the best weekend ever. Let me tell you, mission accomplished. We jammed out at that concert like never before. With quick little moments of putting our fist in the middle with our wristbands that have "KMM 7-7-15" on them to reminded one another he was there jamming with us. For the first time in a while, I felt alive. Everything was okay. He was not there with us physically but I knew darn well he was there with us enjoying it just as much as we were. No sadness. No tears. There was happiness and I knew we completed a mission that before, I wasn't sure would ever be completed. But we did it! I felt I was finally out of my slump.

Returning home was one of the most sobering and downing moments. How do I go back to regular life after such a spectacular weekend? Even the Monday afterwards, I could not focus at work, just enamored from the weekend. And Monday night felt like I was falling back into a slump again as reality set back in more and more. I wanted to easily go back to "hibernation mode". But I did not want to allow it. I realized, it was being in the moments Keegan would be there for and living it like he was there physically like we all did at that show, that made it special and enjoyable. It felt as if I am still making memories with my brother. Maybe instead of being upset that he's not there for every moment with me anymore, start enjoying the moments he would normally be there for, as if he was there?

I carried this thought into Tuesday as we put up the Christmas tree at my house. No, Keegan was not going to be there but we still went about as if he was. His stocking and ornaments all hung up with the rest. I still put the lights on in the most disastrous way like I did last year that he harassed me so much for. I laughed while doing so, knowing he is just shaking his head that I was making it all more difficult than needed. Thats how we rolled. Keegan 'Mr. Simplistic' and I 'Mr. Complicated'. It made it much easier just going about it as if he we there though. To me now, Kansas City was not just about completing a life goal of ours. It was a reminder to continue to do things as if he is right by my side. How can I have a huge tattoo on my right arm with a quote of him being my right hand man, but not going about as if he is still right beside me?! I know he still right beside me. So now I am refusing to be in slumps because he is not here. I'm learning to keep going as if he is still standing there doing things with me. So let's enjoy the holidays. And Mom, get the green bean casserole ready. We're hungry.

Now excuse me, as I go drink a baja blast (Keegan's favorite pop), and go play some NBA 2K to beat the Portland Trailblazers (Keegan's team he uses) & give dirty looks for every pump fake to a mid range jump shot that is made. ✌

Pass the Green Beans

When Pastor asked us after Keegan died what his favorite holiday was, without question – I answered, “Christmas”. Keegan’s whole face lit up on Christmas day and it was only until the last few years that I realized that it was never about the gifts for this kid. The grand majority of the time, Keegan couldn’t even tell you what he wanted for Christmas. He was just never really concerned about the ‘stuff’. He loved the part about Christmas that gave him more time with his family (both by and beyond blood) – he loved us all just to be together. The boys used to get new socks from their great-grandma when they were younger and I kid you not, these kids would get genuinely excited over those socks, year after year. Not that they didn’t have decent socks – but it became something they could depend on, and so they did. I think they just loved the consistency of it. I thought about those moments of joy – cheering for new socks – for years. We’d spend hundreds of dollars on Christmas and Keegan was just never really impressed by it. Not that he didn’t get what he wanted, but it was just ‘stuff’ to him. The lessons we try to teach our kids over and over about the real meaning of Christmas and the love and giving– he got it, but it was always frustrating that he just didn’t get too excited over his gifts after we sometimes had to work long and hard to not only obtain the gifts – but keep them a secret!

We went to see Tom Zuba speak in early November about getting through the holidays when someone you love has died and he had some really great ideas on how to incorporate our loved ones into the holidays.  Tom has endured some incredible pain in life, losing 2 of his children and his wife – in 3 separate, tragic events. Leaving him to raise his remaining child solo. You want to talk about endurance and resilience? This guy has it down pat. One of his ideas was to make their favorite dish for the meal and then I started thinking what that might be – my green bean casserole was definitely Keegan’s #1 when it came to Thanksgiving and that had already been arranged but then I thought about how much he loved pumpkin pie, and stuffing, and ham, and turkey…I realized that Thanksgiving was actually more likely to be Keegan’s true favorite holiday; not Christmas. That child loved his Thanksgiving meal! Because we have blended families – the boys always got at least 2 meals and Keegan would eat green bean casserole before he left our house, eat at his dad’s house, and then come back looking for more green bean casserole….completely no such thing as too much green bean casserole at this house. Craziness!

This year, my brother offered to host Thanksgiving and we graciously accepted his offer. We brought the ham and the green bean casserole to avoid the battle of the oven that is bound to ensue at most any Thanksgiving feast trying to keep the various dishes warm. My sister makes a tremendous pie crust – so she was asked to bring pies and my brother and his clan pulled the rest of it together and truly, did an amazing job. It was a beautiful day.

Everybody keeps asking how I’m doing, knowing it’s my first Thanksgiving without Keegan and I guess I’m ok. Thanksgiving morning as I was getting ready for the day – I’m reviewing in my mind all of the family I’m looking forward to seeing and little by little I could feel it creeping in and WHAM! Like a ton of bricks, I’m faced with the blatant reminder that again, Keegan WON’T BE THERE. Not ever again will he be there. Anywhere I go, he won’t be. Not physically anyway. And I cry. My 4 year old was in the bathroom with me and I just couldn’t contain it this time, I had no choice but to let the tears roll & the sobbing began. I was too overcome to control it. So then I’m upset about Keegan, and frustrated that I’m putting myself behind schedule because I need to get my makeup on and finish up the ham so we can get on the road to my brother’s and then, I’m disappointed on top of that because while I don’t mind shedding the occasional tear here and there in front of the little one – or even crying at the cemetery or something directly related – I just feel like I’m exposing him to emotion he doesn’t understand (and rightfully, shouldn’t have to). I pulled myself together, ‘straightened my crown’, as they say, and carried on with my day.

Throughout the course of the day, I thought about all of the things I’m thankful for and in addition to being grateful for my family and friends and my general health, I get to have a whole new set of things this year.  Things that no mother should have to even begin to fathom in their gratitude. I’m thankful to know that my son only had caffeine in his system when he died – no alcohol. I’m thankful to know that he did stomp the brakes, cranked the wheel and broke his wrists honestly trying to stop his car, he left his seatbelt off because he was being lazy – not because he was suicidal (apparently he often left his seatbelt off – but I would never know that because I’m the momma – that was never going to fly with me). Even though he fought with his girlfriend just prior to his ‘accident’– I know that it was only because she loved him and wanted to fight for their relationship. I know that regardless of the topic of that argument, she would do anything for a redo of that day (as would he) and it was never his intent to not return from his drive. I’m thankful for all of that knowledge and peace of mind in that regard and of course, I am thankful for the incredible support of loving and understanding friends and husband who don’t have expectations on how I should or should not be grieving but let me take it at my own pace and are there for any stumble (or face plant) I encounter along the way. I am grateful that Keegan’s dad (and step-mom) and I have a friendship that has allowed us to grieve together as his parents, realizing that Keegan was a very important part of his step-mom/dad’s lives too. This is a tremendous blessing – to be able to fully realize the love that surrounded our son and the range of support we have now. The beauty of all of these relationships, is that they are all something that we’ve been able to depend on for a long time – long before July arrived – so when tragedy hit, we knew we had the other’s back because we’ve been doing it for years.

Another relationship that I’m immensely grateful for, is the one I have with Jesus. I say this – because I haven’t been a fan of attending church or having open discussion about faith in my life until Keegan died. I fully respect that everyone has their own beliefs, but I also realize that some are confused or lost altogether and I can honestly say that until we lost Keegan – I had no idea how much I would need Jesus. Don’t misunderstand – I remember praying as a little girl and asking for help, strength, and guidance. As I grew older, I questioned why God was not answering some of my prayers and what direction he was expecting me to go and how he expected me to survive in my circumstances, etc. I was put in positions time and time again to not only question the situations he had put me in, but trust that he did so for a purpose. I lived with a lot of doubt and fear. And then I learned – that fear cannot live where faith is. You must trust His plan and LISTEN. You have to give Him room to move in your life or He won’t; He can’t.  The Lord can tell you a lot of things, but it does no good if you aren’t listening (sound familiar?). So, I'm just saying - that when something as tragic as losing your child happens - and you're a red-headed Leo (at least if you're this one)...you kind of perk up and ask God, WAHT THE HECK IS THIS ABOUT?!?! And then you listen, if you dare.  It sometimes takes some bravery to listen when God speaks to you, but again with the red-headed Leo...I ain't scared.  What you got for me?

I don’t know why I was chosen to be blessed with Keegan, only to have him taken away – but I shall be grateful. I will not allow my grief in losing him outshine my joy in having him in the first place. Please don’t let your grief steal your joy, either.

So, how was my Thanksgiving? It was ok. I did everything I was supposed to do and enjoyed my time with most of the family I’ve been blessed with and as I helped my brother clean up the leftover food from our tremendous meal, I grabbed some green bean casserole and I took it to my boy at the cemetery because I know as much as we’re missing him – he was definitely looking for us to pass the green bean casserole!