Story Teller

I’ve been dreading this day for weeks and it’s finally here. Today marks Keegan’s 22^nd birthday. Part of me didn’t even really want to be coherent for this day, I kind of wanted to stay in bed for just this one day and see how it goes. I’ve been strong for almost 4 months…I’ve ‘earned’ a day in bed to mope and pout and be sad, right? Well – part of me also knows that if I do it once, I might like it and will want to do it again and then it might become a habit and who needs that? Sounds like just opening the door for depression and welcoming it right in. No thanks – I’ve got other things to do! In an effort to keep myself (or any of our children) from doing just that – my ever supportive husband agreed to a weekend family trip out of town. We made a very intentional plan to enjoy life on a day that what would otherwise be a horribly painful reminder of what we are all missing.

After being up all night scrubbing my floor and cleaning my apartment in Rockton, 22 years ago today, I loaded my eldest son in the car at 5:30 am and I drove us to the hospital in labor with what would become one of the easiest labors and one of most enjoyable children to raise, ever. Keegan’s dad would meet us there and nobody realized at that point, that Keegan – well, being Keegan – wasn’t really worried about anyone else’s idea of time. He didn't care if anyone was ready for him, it was time for him to show up and shine! And so he did - for all of his life. It was roughly a 40 minute drive to the hospital – I did have to pull over a few times – and everyone at the hospital was more concerned about the 22 month old I had in tow, than the emerging child I was actually there to deliver. I can’t totally blame them, my oldest really is quite a subtle sort of attention getter and completely adorable with his charming smile and sweet dimples and all.  I remember changing into my gown and then BLAM, my oldest son was swept down to the nursery by some of the nurses until his dad got there and just like THAT Keegan was here! It was 6:44 am.  In roughly an hour and 10 minutes, we drove to the hospital, checked in, changed and delivered! We are nothing, if not efficient. 

Clearly, one of the ways I’m coping with the loss of my son is through my faith. One of the tools I use is music and there was a song I heard several weeks ago that I couldn’t even stand. It’s called Storyteller by Morgan Harper Nichols…..and when I first heard it, I was thinking of storyteller as someone who expands the truth a little – you know, the fisherman who had the fish who grows in size every time he tells the story of the one that got away? So, since I’m not one much for drama and I really am quite the advocate to ‘say what you mean and mean what you say’, I disliked the song immediately and changed the channel. Luckily, they played the song again. And again. And it has become my anthem, of sorts, in the following weeks. The song is about how God was with her through the highs and lows of her life and that her faithful perspective was really her story to tell. There’s a part of the verse that goes, “That’s the story I’ll tell” – and that’s the part I didn’t like, as if she was making up the part about God being with her through various things and then it struck me. It’s not that she’s making it up – that’s her perspective and what she’s choosing to focus on! Not everyone can see His love through their dark times, it’s a choice we make – over and over. When you tell your story - are you focusing on all of the bad things? We ALL have bad things in our life - is that what your attention is left to - I refer to it as being a victim of your own life. Or is your story on how you persevered and succeeded BEYOND those bad things - in spite of them? 

Have you ever met siblings that are just complete polar opposites? I always found it very interesting that my sister and I were raised by the same man, in the same house, with a lot of the same experiences and support system and we have made very different choices, decisions and lives for ourselves. There are many, many theories out there on birth order, astrology, are you the child of an alcoholic, etc – but they all seem to center around perspective; how are different things perceived and interpreted? Do you walk around this world as a giver or a taker? Do you feel you owe or are owed? Are you entitled or have you honestly earned? Who and/or what decides your success?

My grandmother was one of the most faithful, grateful, strong and generous women I have ever known. Such a tremendous example for us - this woman knew how to cherish a pile of poo – because don’t YOU know, that that pile will be used to fertilize a bush that will bear fruit to nourish our bodies? I am not story telling here – that is how her mind worked – there is always SOMETHING to be grateful for. You only have $5 in your pocket? Well, aren’t you thankful that you have a pocket to hold it in and 2 good hands in which to earn more so you can give what you have to someone in need who is unable to care for themself? Some people actually have the perception that this would make her weak or naïve but you know what I’ve found? It’s a lot of work to be in a constant state of giving. What can I do, where can I give, who can I help? A lot of work, but of tremendous reward. I’ve also learned that the greatest reward, is sometimes just that our generosity is between us and God. If you do good things for the recognition, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. Of course, manners are wonderful and you hope people would express some gratitude but doing good should be about doing what’s right, not because you’re looking for some big pat on the back. Even greater, is to give to those who can never repay you and/or don’t even know WHO to repay – that’s fun, huh?

Our family met at the cemetery this morning to gather in support of each other as we embark on this day which would normally be of celebration and is now a day that is just a blatant reminder of a life we are all missing. My ‘story’ is to be grateful for the time we had with Keegan, honored to be his parents and family, and know that although he is gone this year – he is very much with us. I miss him terribly and know that in many ways I feel, my children feel, Keegan’s dad, grandparents or friends feel – that they are alone in their grief, because we are all missing him differently. My point to them all this morning (and as a reminder to myself) is that we are NOT alone. We are very much in this together and we can certainly CHOOSE to stand in our grief alone and miserable and without support. Or we can accept the love that surrounds us and the grace and support of our savior to help carry us through this (and any other trial and tribulations). The choice is ours, really. What’s going to be your perception, your stance, your story? I don’t get a say for you – but mine? I hope mine is one worth telling.

 

Intentionally Yours,

 

Crystal

Walking Away From July

So, I feel like I’m kind of ‘stuck’ in my grieving process. I’m not overwhelmed, I’m maybe underwhelmed – really. I get up and go to work every day – I always have, so I’m definitely not ‘wallowing’ in my grief. I went to football games and go to soccer practices, I’m working on my 10,000 steps a day and trying to watch what I eat (to work on getting rid of this weight I’ve put on over the last 2 years) and am staying social, going to church and praying hard – I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing and still feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m trying to find some easing to my pain in various ways – prayer, essential oils, meditation and exercise. As I mentioned, I am on a mission to lose some weight I put on when I quit smoking a couple of years ago and eventually – I’ll get there.  Even if I don’t – I’d rather be heavy than have black lung and that horrid cough – but through the course of my attempts at losing weight, I’ve realized that I am just not built to run. I don’t know if my short little 5’2” legs just don’t give me enough of a stride to make it worth it, or if I really wrecked my lungs and will never have that kind of capacity again – the list goes on and on as to the different issues I’ve come up against. Not a runner – it’s ok, I’ll deal with it. I can walk just fine, so walking is what I’ll do. Walk, walk, walk. Yay.(…..aaaaaand, he kept on walking…..joke to my kids from Early Bird on Sesame Street)

I am angered to see that Satan is attacking my family in our grief; as if the loss of Keegan isn’t enough to try to manage, seeing people I love battling depression is absolutely heartbreaking. Of course depression is a common result after such a loss, and while we are growing closer to God as a family, I shouldn’t be surprised in the least that Satan would continue to try to beat us down – it’s pretty much what he does, right? So, I’m going to share some of the most important things that I’ve learned in the course of my life and getting through trials and tribulations in the event that you might be battling some things too.

1.       Drugs and alcohol cause more trouble than they’re worth. They don’t fix anything, they ‘mask’ things and make you forget about them temporarily, but your problems don’t go away – if anything, they compound your problems, so don’t allow them to control any decisions you make. Really, like – not even so much as determining when you’re bladder is full (drunken stupor anyone?). This is also a control thing for me – I once saw it written that when writing the book of your life, do not hand someone else the pen. I feel that’s what drugs and alcohol do – they really do write your story for you and they don’t have high expectations for you. Don’t give away that power to anyone or anything.

2.       Ignoring the problem, also doesn’t make it go away. Recognize it, accept it and make positive decisions to correct it. Staying in bed, doesn’t make Keegan come back, doesn’t make me feel better about life and doesn’t make me a better mother, wife or friend. Getting out of bed helps anything that can be helped in this situation, so LET’S. DO. THAT. And that's pretty much how I go about making the continual choices in my grieving.

3.       Did you know that, “…fear not…” is in the bible 365 times? That’s an occurrence for every single day of the year. As my feet hit the floor getting out of bed each morning – FEAR NOT, what Satan has in store to tear my life apart – because *I* have the love of Jesus!  Eat my dust, Satan - catch my drift? Anyone know Tora Tora? I’m putting on my walking shoes – I tell ya baby I’m leaving you….

4.       So, if you’ve never met me – I tend to be a little stubborn and persistent. I don’t back down and I don’t run away. On occasion, these have been made out to be negative traits – but I’ll tell ya what….I really do choose my battles, and don’t sugarcoat much. My point is that after my feet hit the floor and I remind myself to FEAR NOT every day, I take my steps as they come and sometimes, it’s pretty hard. I utilize every ounce of my stubbornness and persistence some days – just to get one foot past the other. I know that God knew what he was doing when he put me together because he knew that my strong personality would be far more important than long legs or a tan. Taking my strengths and put them to work for me!

So, now what? I feel like I’m still doing it wrong – and I know that I can’t. I remember grieving for my dad and having this conversation with my aunt about 5 years after he’d died – I can’t do it wrong, and neither can you - we all grieve differently. I’m beginning to realize that even how I grieved for my dad, and my mom – were different and how I’m grieving for Keegan – is different than that. We got together for a family event a few weeks ago and I took pictures of my boys – absent of Keegan. It’s so weird to look at just the 3 of them – and for as grateful as I am for each of them and adore them for their individual greatness – Keegan’s definitely missing. He would’ve smuggled the pumpkin pie out of the house that day and eaten the hot dogs right off the grill. We’ve had a few different events in the last few months and I remember standing there with my family and feeling like we’re missing someone. Now, let me just explain – that it’s nothing for our family to ACTUALLY FORGET to invite people to things. There have been birthday parties, baby showers – where not everyone actually received an invite that should have. I’ve been notified of births via Facebook on more than one occasion. People go in and out of the hospital and not everyone’s always told – we are TERRIBLE at communicating (and we all live within 30 minutes of each other). So, when we’re standing there thinking we’re missing someone, we are literally going through our mental checklists in a panic thinking we've screwed up somewhere and then we realize….we ARE missing someone, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Damn. And then I wonder if a family get together will ever feel whole again? Part of me says no, and I don’t want them to be – but part of me also feels like we’ll need to find a new normal – at some point.  I’d be cool with just not having an emotional breakdown after each one; really. So, what I’ve determined happens is this. We go to an event – have fun, love our family – love our friends, everything is great and wonderful and my life is amazing, right? It really is! I couldn’t be more grateful and then a short while afterward – BAM! I think about Keegan and what he would’ve done, said, etc. at the event and I’m an instant mess. Because as wonderful as the event was – Keegan would have brought his own twist of fun and humor to it – because that’s what he did. He made everything better. So, again I ask – now what?

For starters, I can’t help but feel that the further we get away from last July, the easier things will get (time heals all wounds, right?) – but that doesn’t seem to be the case. It feels like there are constantly new obstacles to overcome and Satan wants to battle on and on – mercilessly. Some days are so hard to think about the fact that Keegan is not coming back – he’s not walking in the door again. He’s not coming for dinner, he’s not going to give me another hug and kiss and I am heartbroken all over again. I have replayed an ‘accident’ I can only imagine, time and time again. I can’t even help it – I’ve tried to stop it; I can’t. But I have to keep trying. It’s absurd to me that I wasn’t even in the accident, but I have imagined every inch of it and in some ways, those of us grieving Keegan are walking away from the very accident he was unable to. It doesn't mean we aren't carrying him with us every step of the way, because I will have him with me ALWAYS.

I may stumble, I may fall, my eyes may be stinging and blurred from my tears – but much like that day leaving the church, I will blindly keep putting one foot in front of the other with whatever ounce of strength God gives me. Some days I have so much conflict going on and feel like I’m fighting left and right – I’m exhausted but my persistence doesn’t allow me to stop. I will do what it takes to get through this because I trust that there’s a reason God left me here. You better believe I will keep on walking - away from July.