So, Tyler and I were talking several weeks ago about needing
to do something to commemorate the 1st anniversary of Keegan’s death
– we were also in agreement on not knowing what on earth to do for such a time.
I don’t want to think about the fact that it’s been almost a year. Three
hundred and sixty five days without my charming, funny and handsome son. I miss
him every day. Sixty five days without seeing most of my family drives me crazy
– cripes, I start itching at 5 days without one of my boys - so God only knows
what you call this mess after 365. I would give absolutely all that I have for
one more day. One more hug. One more smile. To hear, ‘love you momma’ – One.
More. Time.
If you know me, you know I’m a fixer – I can fix just about
any situation or at the very least – reframe the perspective to fix how we feel
about it. Yeah, I’ve been trying for almost a year and there’s no fixing this
one. It sucks, it’s not fair and there’s not a damn thing any of us can do
about it! I can’t help be angry – but at Satan, just to clarify. That Satan
felt that he could mess with my family like this just pisses me off to no end –
it also tells me he sees something dangerous in us and that’s why he felt he
needed to meddle in it. It causes me to continue to fight for a path and example he should
be fearful of – so I will continue to dig deeper into Christ to battle him. Day
in and out. He will not ever win this battle with me. Is anyone else starting
to see why I was built with such drive and determination? Ha!
Bring. It.
I finally figured out a couple of weeks ago why I was having
such a hard time coming up with what to do today – because I don’t really want
to commemorate Keegan’s death – I want to celebrate his life! He lived an
amazing example of a great life and was this tremendous man that his dad and I
are proud of – why would we want to shadow that in this horribly sad and tragic
story of his death? It’s crazy to me how I can add him to so many stories of my
life, incorporate him into a story at work or to another baseball mom who may
or may not have ever even known him – they only known I’ve lost a son (and I
assume everyone who’s known me in the last year knows I’ve lost one of my sons)
and so many people probably tense up when they hear me say his name…little do
they know, his name gives me comfort (and have seen him at a few games, too). It settles me every time I can share a
story of him; as long as we’re talking about him and telling stories – he’s
alive. He’s alive in me and in you and our stories of who he was. So share your
stories of him – focus on the good ones and share them far and wide. Tell the
people who don’t know him, the stories of how he impacted your life and made
you laugh – he lives on in those stories.
In addition to obviously his very life, I regularly miss
Keegan’s friends and his other moms and everything he brought to his every day.
His laugh, his smile, his run and skip as he chased his brothers and certainly,
his hugs. His ability to take a somber moment and make someone laugh – in fact,
he helped me out with that this morning.
We had the misfortune to have 2 of our sons (we have 5
total, including Keegan) in an accident on their way to join us on vacation
today. The boys were ½ way between home and our vacation destination and while
I’m not really awake, but trying to prepare things for my husband and I to eat
and drink on this 4 hr trek (each way) to hold our children safely – and
discuss how nobody will be driving on July 6 or 7 again – possibly ever…I’m
packing some scones and sweet rolls I had made and grab some napkins I’d picked
up at IKEA. They are fantastisk – I’m
not even kidding. The brand is FANTASTISK and the only other being that I’ve
ever known who would have picked up on that….is Keegan. We are embarking on
this trip we don’t want to make, for reasons we don’t want to have to handle
and on a day we don’t necessarily even want to get out of bed, but we have
FANTASTISK napkins – so it’s all going to be ok, do you understand?!
And so it was.
Friends, we pray for safety and guidance and strength on a
daily basis, and at the end of THIS horribly stressful and historically tragic
day in our life from 365 days ago…We are safe. We are guided. We are strong.
We have children to pick up. They have a pinch from where the seat belts
saved their lives, we have an OnStar bill – which paid for the employees who
were of comfort to our children while they waited for help to arrive. We have a
car payment, for a car I will likely never be seated in again – but it did its
job and protected our children in the best possible way – to where we were able
to hold them again, with beating hearts and minor scrapes - while we may not do
much laughing and smiling today…trust me when I tell you.
We are FANTASTISK. Let your day be, too.
