Abandoned

"I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares your will for me”

Pretty powerful, huh? It is for me – that’s for sure. This is from a song by Jeremy Camp that reminds me of Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen and similarly John 20:29 Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”. There’s been plenty of times I don’t feel that I ‘see’ what God’s will is for me…the days following Keegan’s death are pretty hazy. I was completely dazed and confused – trying to cover every base I could, searching desperately for the purpose, the sense in it all. I still don’t have that and I may not, ever.

In going through the process of my grief and trying to put all of my feelings in their nice little compartments (just being honest - I don't really know why I do it, but I'm sure some of my friends and family can tell me :)), I'm realizing that a big part of my pain is that I don’t have Keegan’s ‘person’ to go to for a hug or kiss or to see him walk in my door again or share a funny story I think he’d like. Physically, I want to see my son’s face, to hug him and kiss him. It’s insanely painful emotionally and physically, for me to think that I don’t get to do those things again. While it makes me smile to think about how he would react to a situation…there’s always the underlying feeling that he SHOULD be here to do it. I shouldn’t have to be thinking about what he WOULD do – I should be able to watch him doing it. We participated in an American Heart Walk last weekend and it rained. A lot. We were soaked toward the end and my oldest son kind of ran off and ditched us to get to his car – which was fine, the walk was pretty early on a Sunday and he’d had a long day of helping his friend move the day before so he was not at 100%. I couldn’t help but laugh though, that Keegan would have likely run the walk and then ran back to us again and kept running, in the rain – teasing all of us, because he played soccer in the rain for years. He loved it. He would get annoyed when teams would cancel practices or games because of the rain because he was always ready to roll (club soccer only cancels for lightning and we’ve literally spent hours waiting for clearance to finish a game) and something about soccer being more fun in the rain…maybe the slide tackles (to my soccer moms – oh, yes – can we please wear the white shorts that day too?!?!)? He’s not here, though – he wasn’t at breakfast afterward to help me stack the plates at the restaurant (we don’t leave the table a mess) and he won’t be at dinner on Thursday – or Sunday – or any day. I’m just standing here with all of this love for him and no body to direct it to. I can’t call him or text him – he left me here, abandoned. I’ve spent a great deal of time, money and energy feeding, teaching, loving and building this child into a man and he’s just gone? I'm really clear on the fact he was not authorized by myself or his dad for his trip outta here without us....and yet, here we are.

Oh. Wait. 

Our creator, the Father of all – has a plan, too. Bigger and better than anything our measly minds can fathom. A plan for Keegan, his brothers & sisters, me and Keegan’s dad….all of us who were left behind. I don’t know the plan and right now, I don’t really like the plan – but much like I tell my own kids, I guess I don’t really have to – because in all reality, I’m not in charge (ssshhh – don’t tell my kids), God is. I ask him to be – every day. I ask him to lead and support me and you know what, he never fails me and it makes my days a whole lot easier.

One of the most beautiful parts of having faith, is that it’s unseen. I have faith – I’m definitely a believer in God, Jesus – the Holy Spirit – I’m all over it, I pray regularly and know I’ve made it through many a chapter in the book of my life only through God’s grace, but I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that after we lost Tommy (one of my son’s best friends & his mother is one of my best friends) last August – I was quickly intimidated. Tommy’s parents are STRONG in their faith and I really felt like my faith didn’t hold a candle to theirs and I couldn’t possibly be of much help to her…I mean, I feel like I’m a good person, but I’m simply not THAT good or that strong in my faith to support her. I felt terrible and completely inadequate.

ORRRRR

I could “walk by faith” (or stumble through, as my case was) – because even though I couldn’t see how, I could feel that I needed to be there for her, beyond the fact that we were both missing her son terribly! And then I realized she didn’t need me to really be spiritually strong for her – she needed me to just help her miss her son. I can do that! I miss him SO. I adore Tommy and can listen to stories of him all day and have some good ones of my own. I made the choice to let God stretch me in whatever capacity he could and of course, he moved me! I needed to do whatever I could to make any moment easier for her that I could. I didn’t need large events, you’ll notice – any small moment would work for me. Something to lighten her load in the slightest bit. I have no idea how many times I asked her what I could do for her and just kept telling her – I don’t know what it is…but God has me here with you for a reason. What an incredible year of growth for me spiritually and in our friendship it’s been. All due to a faith I can’t see. You know what else I can’t see? Keegan. I can’t see my son anymore, but I know he did not abandon me. I have to transition my love that I can see – in his face and life, into a spiritual one – similar to one I have with my creator and savior. It will take time, but I’ll get there.

Another beautiful part of having faith, is it’s light to carry. If you’ve ever held or carried a grudge…it’s heavy, isn’t it? It's heavy and ugly. It’s so much easier to carry faith, which allows for forgiveness and understanding – than it is to lug around anger and resentment. Not only is faith light to carry with you everywhere, it allows you to pass any other burdens you have off to it, too. It definitely makes our journey much easier that way.

The roads on our journey are not always smooth. There are some that are not only broken – but are downright unpaved and jagged. We trip, stumble, and fall; all are a part of the journey preparing his will for us. I don’t necessarily know what God’s will is for me – but I know that instead of sitting here feeling abandoned by my loved one – that I will work toward a different relationship with him and I will be far more healthy to instead choose to abandon my questions and doubt so I am free to move where God needs me next. My concerns, confusion, sadness and grief don’t change what’s happened to my son or the life I’m left to live without him – but I’m definitely not going to allow it to change my path back to him (Satan can keep moving along when looking for his next victim - I am not his girl). I may have a jagged path, but I will gladly crawl my way out of here on God’s terms; at least I know what’s waiting on the other side. 1 John 5:13: I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life.

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal

 

 

Loving Your Legacy

One of the most serious things I can think of - is a funeral. It really just doesn't get more intense than that, right? All of the hopes and dreams – anything you’d hoped to accomplish better be done because that’s it! Did you say your peace? Did he? Did he owe you money or did you owe him? I sit and think about some of things I experienced the day of my son's funeral and once I kind of push myself past my complete awe of everyone who was there to support us....and the presence of the Holy Spirit and God’s strength that helped get me through that day, I remember being stunned at how much some of the kids have grown and all of the friends that I've been meaning to get together with and haven't. We had family there we don't see nearly enough and people who have been a part of our lives, for a very long time (the by and beyond blood family). It was an incredible experience to have all of this love that has surrounded me and my children our whole lives (or at least the better part of it). So. Tremendously. Grateful. Do they know how we feel about them? I am fully aware that I have not been flawless in my relationships – neither was my son. We all make mistakes, but we practice forgiveness and understanding regularly (of ourselves and others) and hope for the same in return. The whole idea of ‘an eye for an eye’ makes me feel good on days I am in the mood to be a bad ass, but it’s not very practical when you’re trying to be a good person. When trying to set a positive example, we need to do the hard work of loving our enemies and exercising forgiveness. Anger is easy, I’m learning in my old age. Tough stuff for the red-headed Leo! I feel the vast majority of the people in our worlds know we love them - or they wouldn't have been there that day but there was some regret there too.

If you’re one of those people who is maybe experiencing some regret in your relationship with Keegan (or anyone else you’ve lost) – step back for a second and think about whether that’s what he (they) would want of you? I can assure you, it’s not.  We give people the benefit of the doubt and I hope we always do. If YOU decide to rip me off – that’s between you and God and He is going to take care of me (and oh yeah, he’s going to take care of you, too). Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. At the end of the day, we could spend a lot of time and energy worrying about every person who crosses our path and who has wronged us – or we can let the Lord take care of us, as He intended, and use our energy to be positive and supportive to the people positively engaged in our lives. In all reality, some people make an art out of lying and getting one over on people. My theory is that I don’t have time to play a private investigator to determine who’s being honest and who’s not. That’s not how I’m living my life. I don’t see everything, I don’t know everything….but you aren’t hiding anything from God. God knows what you’re doing and he knows your heart so you hash it out with him; quite frankly - I have better things to do.  Good luck with that.

My oldest son is quickly approaching 24 and Keegan was 21 - where their friendships are transitioning from 'childhood' friends to 'adult' friends. It’s rough because we don’t necessarily talk about how this happens – but it does happen and I see my kids and a lot of their friends struggling with the details of their friendships. A few of them came through the visitation line that day and I want them to know that it’s ok! Your friendships will transition into mature relationships as you, yourself mature. You won’t be texting or calling daily – or even multiple times a week. Some of you want to be out all of the time and some of you just want to relax on the couch - it all depends and it's all ok. Still friends - just differently. I remember Keegan feeling guilty when Tommy died - that he didn't make a greater effort to be around Tommy more and support him more. The thing that Keegan didn't see, is that Tommy knew Keegan was always there for him - whether he was beating down his door every day or not. Keegan did not HAVE to be in Tommy's presence every day to know he had his back. If we take a step back, we all know that if Tommy felt Keegan could have helped - if I could have helped - if his parents or sister could have helped....he would have called us because that was our relationship. Tommy carried our love for him with him every day - I know this by the warm smile and deep hugs he greeted me with every time I saw him – he knew. Tommy's case is more difficult I feel, because he took his life by suicide. We are all left standing here wondering what we could have done differently when Tommy's choice had nothing to do with us and everything to do with a chemical imbalance. Our ongoing struggle remains in educating (ourselves and others) on the ties between mental health and suicide, providing support and breaking the stigma attached to suicide so people aren't afraid to have conversations, seek help and know where their resources are. While we have the darling Princess Esperanza as part of Tommy’s legacy, we also have the very important work of spreading this message as part of Tommy’s legacy - but we should not have regret. 

As Keegan's friends filtered through the visitation line and cards came in the mail from across the miles, many I was fortunate enough to watch grow up with my son - into these honorable young men and essentially - they felt guilty for not getting together with him or talking with him more often. They were filled with feelings of remorse and it broke my heart and here’s why. Keegan knew he was loved – he knew very well when he came to me, a teacher, coach or friend, he was absolutely going to get his way. Whatever it was. Not that he was manipulative about anything, but he was smart and he was charming and he was confident (not cocky). He could always explain why his idea was going to be in your best interest - if he'd have found something he was passionate about, he'd have been an outstanding salesman! He was a hard worker and had been helping prepare for Baby Espi's arrival and taking care of her Momma. He was still very much grieving the loss of Tommy and was a highly engaged member of our family. He was adjusting to a huge increase of responsibility as an adult when Espi was born earlier this year - he was building his life and legacy; he was busy, without regrets because he knew the value in what he was doing couldn’t be replicated. He would not want a single person to think of him and feel sorrow – of that, I am sure. Proverbs 15:13 - "A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed."

When the older boys were younger (my youngest is in this stage, presently) and they’d get angry with me they’d say, ”I don’t like you, Mom!” and my response has been the same for 20 years…”You don’t have to.”.  My boys will tell you that I was always their parent first and we’ve had uncomfortable discussions and I’ve had to make painfully hard decisions and encourage them to make them as needed, too, because you don’t get anywhere in life skipping along on the easy paths everywhere you go (plus, we always seem to find support in unsuspecting areas when we challenge ourselves). A lot of these things were presented to them under the premise of, “I know it’s not a discussion we want to have, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if we didn’t…..” – to be honest, sometimes it’s not a discussion. I readily admit I don’t need (or want) to know everything but am pretty good at 'suspecting' a situation and I just put my unsolicited 2 cents in because I’m the Momma and I can. It doesn’t hurt them to listen to my words – hopefully at some point, they’ll mean something. There are times I find things I know I’ve told them a hundred times and I get a unique opportunity to tell them one. more. time. because they’re in a situation that it pertains directly to and I can tie it together nicely for them and say, SEEEE, this is why! For instance, when I told them I wasn’t very concerned about what Jeff’s or Brandon’s parents let them do as kids – I don’t have to answer for how Jeff or Brandon act - I have to answer to how YOU do! And when Jeff or Brandon are serving a detention…I’m redeemed! I needed them to pay attention to what THEY were doing, not everyone else and as adults, they finally got it. Whew!  Because they may not have figured out – that THEY, are MY legacy (and I'm right back to my dad telling us to ‘act like ya know something’).

There will be all sorts of things in life that will provide you with an opportunity to have regrets – admit when you screw up, recognize it happens – but don’t just sit in it. Take whatever it is and be grateful for the impact it had or lesson learned from it but keep moving and living. Relationships are a risk - not every relationship you give a try is going to be a winner – take whatever value or lesson it brought and accept it and move on to the next step God has in store for you. Not every friend will be with you every minute til the end (and some shouldn’t be), God has your plan, just take your steps with grace. It really doesn’t cost us anything to be a decent human being and I truly believe that Keegan lived his life this way. He was thoughtful of others and giving of his time and patient and understanding. People are not perfect; we ALL make mistakes all of the time and I think he exercised and experienced forgiveness pretty regularly. Forgiveness is an amazing tool and I think once we start to exercise it, it becomes easier to do.

One of the most impactful cards I received came from one of Keegan’s old teammates who wrote me about his memories of being the new kid on the soccer team and how Keegan made him feel welcome and included him from the beginning of his time here and their friendship grew from there. He saw Keegan’s kindness in action time and again and with some of the more difficult personalities, too and that, my friends – is the kind of thing I think Keegan wants you to think of when you think of him. Not regret. He doesn’t want you to be sorry for not texting, messaging or calling him – he wants you to remember the jokes and laughter, for sure. I think he would want us to let his love, laughter, patience and forgiveness be his legacy – and so his legacy it shall be for me and mine.

 

Intentionally Yours,

 

Crystal

 

 

 

 

   

Winning

I could have never guessed the loss of life or the amazing volume of love I would experience over the last year – a true lesson that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Today marks the first anniversary of our friend’s and family’s loss of my son's dear friend, Tommy, to suicide. I remember Keegan calling me crying, to tell me that Tommy took his own life. I remember the kick to my gut as I tried to slow down my car and pull over as I felt the air overcome me and escape as I screamed out. I remember trembling as my 2 year old kept asking me what was wrong and my loss for words as I just sat and cried with Keegan on the phone, consumed with loss. I remember the complete absence of words as I approached my dear friend, having not the slightest clue of what to say to her – but knowing that at her side is where I absolutely needed to be.

My boys have a lot of friends, but few are so intertwined with our entire family like Tommy is. Tommy and my son, Keegan – played soccer together. A lot of soccer. Tommy’s mom and I carpooled and became fast friends as we had both endured some pretty rough roads (hers, far more treacherous than mine) but shared a commonality in our complete devotion to our children. We could never have foreseen the paths we would be traveling together that had nothing to do with their soccer games.

These boys were both passionate about their game and having each other’s back. They always had a blast together. Countless sleepovers, out of town tournaments and family get-togethers…bonding, living, loving and always laughing. Every member of my family has a connection with every member of Tommy’s family and he was gone.  What. The. Hell.?! We had just celebrated Tommy’s graduation a few weeks beforehand and were working on his life’s Plan B – as we found out he was expecting his first child. Of course, that wasn’t Plan A, like I said – we were all pulling together and helping him work on his Plan B. He had backup. A lot of it. He had a huge support system and was great with kids, Tommy was going to be a great Dad. It would all be fine and work itself out as part of God’s plan. Trust. Believe. Support. Have Faith.

GONE.

Wait. WHAT?

How could he be gone? I JUST looked that young man in the face and told him I loved him – he knew I loved him. I know he loved me – and I am in a large crowd of people who can say the same. He knew we had his back. What on earth just happened here?! Depression happened here. Addiction happened here. Satan is what happened here.  John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Uhhh, Satan just has no idea who he is messing with (insert maniacal laugh here). Tommy’s parents are some of the strongest people I’ve ever met – in life and in their faith. It’s one of the many things we share in common and would become a tie that bound us together for the last year, so strongly held – a true sign of God’s grace.

Within days, there was a foundation created in Tommy’s honor and t-shirts present to spread the word. The loss of Tommy’s life would not be in vain – there would be a purpose (Satan could take his attack and shove it, thank you very much). And so began our journey to bring awareness to suicide prevention and mental illness. It’s been a very rewarding year of fundraising and tireless work from Tommy’s mom. She’s done interviews & speeches. There was a billboard featuring Tommy for Suicide Prevention month last September, she’s got a blog to share her journey (Each Breath of Faith) and she’s recently met with the spiritual leaders of our community to spread the word and present opportunities for them to support their congregations in their own battles of depression. She has been instrumental in implementing new grief support groups for suicide survivors. This woman is rocking it.

We’ve had baby showers and welcomed Tommy’s sweet, healthy and beautiful baby, Esperanza (Hope) into this world and Keegan was very instrumental in that. He had Tommy’s back (as always) and was supporting baby Esperanza’s mother and helping make sure she (and Baby ‘Espi’) had what they needed – and now, Keegan’s gone. Satan’s attack continues.

I look back at the multitude of soccer pictures over the years and I love to see the determination in these boys – the looks of, “I DARE YOU”, how you can see team mates in the background watching the other’s backs; on the ready - busy being their brother’s keeper. Such a tremendous lesson and treasured memories for these boys to have. And us.  I always found such great joy in watching them play a challenging team because they would inevitably fall behind a goal or two and you could see them (usually), mentally and physically dig in their heels and get to work. When you saw that happen – they couldn’t be beat. Teamwork came in and they did the hard work they knew had to be done – they fought hard and they earned their wins. On occasion, they were tired or being lazy and they gave in and lost – not such good times.

I know when I lost my dad I very much felt like I was being attacked and really had a connected moment of pulling myself up by the boot straps to show this world what he had instilled in me and to live my life as a reflection of the work he put into me, to show what I was made of and that is truly what has led my path for the last 20 years. It would have been really easy for me to give in, give up, make some bad choices (and excuses) like so many do – really easy. I wanted more for me; for my children – made hard decisions and took very difficult steps to get where I wanted to be. So did Tommy’s mom and I know she agrees - it was always worth it. Looking forward from where we stand now, I know this is how Tommy’s mom and I will get through our coming days until we are joined with our boys again. 1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Heels dug into our faith to march forward. Onward and upward – having each other’s back, just like our boys do; forevermore. 

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal

Present

One of our greatest fears when we lose someone close to us, is that they will be forgotten. I can tell you from losing my dad almost 20 years ago, that I carry him with me every day. I will never forget his hands or how he smiled. I’ll always remember his walk and how he made me feel like the luckiest little girl in the world –even when I was 20 years old. His favorite beer was Pabst and he used to love to eat sardines with my sister. He loved my grandmother’s pork roast with sauerkraut and dumplings (yes, boys, that is one of the reasons we eat this meal regularly). A slice of lemon merengue pie was a bit of heaven to him and he usually had a Frisbee in his truck to battle the boredom that ensued if he made my sister and I travel any length of time. My dad’s sense of humor was one of his trademarks and certainly, one of the things I carried on in my life and my boys carry on in theirs. His words of inspiration were, “Go for it!” and he parted ways with, “Catch ya all of a sudden!”. I frequently hear him reminding me to, ‘Act like ya know something!’. My brother looks like him, my sister jokes like him –my eldest son is built like him and Keegan laughed like him. My aunts and uncle remind me of him immensely and I suppose to some degree – I do to them (at least I hope so) – my dad is with me, every day of my life. If I had to narrow down the most prominent trait I took from my dad, I would have to say that when you see my passion for my children – you see my dad.

My son, Keegan, was definitely a unique combination of generous, kind hearted, funny, confident, a lover of children, animals and life. We are raised to embrace that we are all unique, but it is never as obvious as when you lose someone’s life. The boys used to say that Keegan was my favorite (in jest) and I tried to explain to them that they are ALL my favorites – each in their own way. They each bring such different, wonderful traits to the table – it would never be fair to compare them. We can find bits and pieces of Keegan here and there to give us sweet reminders, but the whole collection of everything that made him who he is – is gone. Anyone who knew him knows he couldn’t possibly be duplicated. Our current situation is to find out where we can keep him in a part of our every day. We will find things as we go, on how to include Keegan.  We will think of him when we have his favorite foods and in addition to the lemon pies I bring to family gatherings in remembrance of my dad, I will now make brownies to make sure I’ve got Keegan covered too. I’ve found places that use your dried flowers (from the service) to embed in jewelry beads for necklaces, rings and bracelets; necklaces and rings we can have engraved with his fingerprint and signature – which is no small feat.  Keegan wrote really small, so I enlarged his signature 186% for it to be usable.  Holy. Cow. But it turned out perfectly.

One of the most heartbreaking parts of losing Keegan is that he leaves a 3 year old brother and 2 year old niece behind – whom he adored. It's one thing to tell the older kids to take the dearest parts of Keegan to you - and incorporate them into your everyday life and you will have Keegan with you. It’s really hard to look at my youngest son and my granddaughter and wonder, how do we keep Keegan in their lives so they don’t forget him – so they always know how much he cherished them?  I joke that it’s surprising our youngest ever learned to walk since most of the pictures with Keegan have him being held on Keegan’s hip or carried on Keegan’s shoulders. There are so many more memories they should have with him; memories his dad and I should have with him. There is so much more time his brothers needed. I think it’s natural for me to sit and wonder if he’d had the opportunity to have his own child, what he/she would look like – would they have Keegan’s build, kind heart or sense of humor, his beautiful smile or broad shoulders? And then I have to stop– because I’m robbing myself of time when I do that. I’m essentially torturing myself because as I mentioned previously, that time – those things, were never promised to me. I had no right to those expectations, they were hopes and dreams that (hopefully) MOST of us will have an opportunity to enjoy – but not all – so I find I have to check myself. What I DO have, is the right to enjoy the memories I was given – all of the times he made us laugh, how he played along with his brother’s antics, and the antics he started himself (the child definitely knew how to start a ruckus). The wonderful times camping, the countless soccer practices, games, and tournaments - the years we contemplated joining the two events and just camping out at the soccer complex! As we go through our own processes of grief, we will find Keegan in so many ways we never even realized before. In the meantime, I take heed to Ecclesiastes 6:9  Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have.

So, what made Keegan so great; what would he want people to take from his example? He was giving and loving and smart and strong. He never showed up half-way….not on the soccer field and not for dinner. He enjoyed life – every bit of it and you knew this because he was so much fun to be around. If you saw Keegan stressed, something had gone terribly wrong. He very much lived in the moments of his life as they came, he didn’t hold grudges and wasn’t worried about plans that changed….it was always ‘all good’ to him and when he was there, he was there – engaged and yours. He was not the shy kid in the corner. Ever. Well - a new situation might cause him to take a few minutes to warm up, until he could find his entrance to make you laugh.

A couple of weeks after Keegan died, I sat down to update our family’s online calendar. Our schedule is often out of control, but this app is of great help to us. I needed to update appointments and enter in my younger son’s football schedule. The app provides a reminder tool, which I have sent out to the older kids so they are automatically reminded of games, etc. and I come across Keegan’s name and I stop.              

Umm – heyyy therrrre.         

Do I remove his name?

Is it going to bother the kids to see his name there?

Will it bother them to see his name NOT there?

What do I do?

How do I handle this?!

I left it there for a little while as I took care of everything else (I let the dilemma simmer there for a while) – and eventually decided Keegan’s name stays. Keegan is a part of our family and while his body is not physically here - he IS very much here with us, every day. He will be present at those football games as he often was, to cheer on his little brother and encourage him to play hard and have fun.

I took Keegan off to college 3 years ago in early August, he had to report early for soccer training but he called me on my birthday, we skyped – he was with me ‘in spirit’ we would say, right? This year, this was a tough one. There was a surprise ‘non’ birthday party thrown for me (I’m not really a fan of celebrating my birthday, per se, so my dear friend found a work around) and it was really wonderful – full of such great friends and lots of family. On the ride home, I started thinking about how tremendously lucky I am to have this wonderful life; I was sad that my little football player couldn’t make the party (practice just started –if you miss practice, you don’t get to play) and then of course, that Keegan was missing. Keegan’s never going to be there again…and just like that, in the midst of this profound gratitude - I’m overwhelmed with grief and trying not to sob and upset my little one in the back seat. My husband quietly reaches for my hand and squeezes and just holds it (God bless this husband of mine, in his quiet understanding of me). How can it possibly be that I don’t get to see my kid? Ever. Again.?!?!?! 

Part of leading an intentional life is to simply be present in the moments that are yours. This moment of grief was mine to feel and experience and then move from – but I have to feel it fully, so I can move from it. If I don’t – if I push it down and avoid it, it will grow and fester and come back stronger. I cannot sit in it and stay there, as much as I might like to sometimes. Sadly, I know there will be more moments like this to come, a lot of them.  Some will be worse and some won’t be as bad as this one – but I will need to get through them so I have room for the other moments God has planned for me – moments of happiness, joy, success, and laughter. I have to be mindful to stay focused on the positive things in life or I could very easily let Satan use this to sneak in – some way, somehow – to make me angry or bitter. Each of you will have your own moments and quite honestly – they don’t always come at the most convenient times. I’ve had to push some of mine down and wait for a few hours and I will purposefully bring myself back to it so I can experience it, get through it and bring myself back to God’s grace. Psalm 31:15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me.  This verse tells me that God knew we would struggle and that He would rather we turn that burden over to him so that we may get on to the task at hand. Living. Being present, so at the end of our lives we aren’t sitting here wondering what we did with our time. Did we use our lives for a positive influence, loving our enemies, showing forgiveness in our own lives and being faithful to God? Or did you spend your time avoiding, numbing and ignoring?  

I tend to be a tad bit of a control freak on a lot of things in my life – I find comfort in order and structure – but I will tell you what, any chance I have to turn something over to God to handle, I’m all over it. I have the utmost of faith that He has my back, always has – always will and I have NEVER been let down. I can readily admit that there are times I did not agree or understand, and sometimes I do get frustrated, but have found that it always comes full circle and sooner or later – it works itself out. People have made statements over and over to me on how difficult of a life I’ve had – but I have never felt anything but gratitude – even now. I don’t know why Keegan was taken from us so young, but I know it was in God’s plan and I know that in our grief, right now – God is with us, carrying through each of these moments; He is present – and so is Keegan.

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. My advice? Let him.

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal

 

 

 

 

Fishing

The purpose behind Intentionally Yours is to provide an intentional direction of healing toward God. For me, there’s just not an option – I need to heal, not only for myself, but for my children – my niece & nephews, my siblings - for Keegan’s friends and the families that are ours, by & beyond blood. Philippians 4:7 states, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – that sounds like exactly what I need! Someone to guard my heart and mind? Yes – that would be GRAND! I could sit at home trying to heal myself, by myself, and check in from time to time with everyone and hope for the best (for them and me), or I could make the choice to share with you where I’m at and how I’m ‘doing it’ – because many of you have expressed you don’t know how I can.  I was very much built to be a survivor, I didn’t have an easy childhood and I was a single mother to 2 boys by the time I was 22 – a year before I lost my dad. My dad was not only my primary parent & biggest supporter – truly an amazing example of selflessness. Before the age of 25 I had experienced some of the greatest loves and losses there are in life. Life has not been easy; but I have been greatly blessed. I will always be ok, until the one day I am not (and truly on that day, I’ll actually be better than ever to be joined with my savior). God didn’t take my life with Keegan’s, I am left here to live it and I don’t know about you – but I plan on showing my gratitude for this one, precious life that I was given - by putting forth the best effort I can & to encourage anyone I can to do so, too.

I don’t believe any of us are here by ‘accident’ – which means we have purpose – I feel this is part of mine. I was built to be pretty transparent (honest, genuine, real) – so I intend to be here for you, on purpose. I’m not sitting around waiting for time to pass by and then wonder what happened – I plan on using this time to be of use, somewhere – some way. I also know, as I’d mentioned before, we are not meant to do it alone – so I offer myself to each of you and the most honest account of my journey I can give you and hope like crazy, that it helps – in some way - if even only for one of you, in a small way. It is certainly not an option to curl up in a ball in the corner to pout, cry or be angry – not for me and hopefully, you make a different choice too. You may not be personally grieving right now - but chances are, someone you know is, sadly - and there may be a day you need some help and encouragement and my words will be here, hopefully helping.

I checked in with my 12 year old this week, to see if he’d read any of the blog. Of course he hadn’t, (even though I knew it was clogging up his FB feed) but what 12 year old reads on purpose on summer break? Considering part of my purpose here is to help him process his grief, I asked him to read Heart Broken and to make sure he asked me if he had questions. I followed up the next day and he’d read it – had no questions and I asked if he wanted to read Pass the Duct Tape and he said no – he didn’t want to be sad that day. I have to say, I was very impressed. Not because he’d read Heart Broken, and not because he had the guts to tell me no to reading Pass the Duct Tape, but because at 12 – he had a justifiable reason as to why he didn’t want to read something, in the interest of his own self-preservation. Wow. And he knows it’s there when he’s ready to. So, I asked what kind of things he’s thinking about, what’s he stumbling over – and he told me he keeps imagining the accident in his head.  An accident that none of us were present for, mind you.  Yikes. 

I did this myself for the first 2 weeks and it’s frustrating to not know what exactly happened. What we do know is this: dark, rainy, bad headlights and baldish tires, angry and no seatbelt in his ‘supercharged’ car. The investigator found brake marks and evidence of the car rolling over. The coroner cited fractured skull, broken neck and two broken wrists and that he would not have been in pain, he would have died instantly. Welllll – gooood?  I guess that’s something to be grateful for??? I saw my son’s ‘skull fracture’, I’m certain he did not suffer. Plus, Keegan, up until….well – THIS – had the most ridiculous good luck I’ve ever seen (something else he clearly got from his Dad because I have next to none).   I would be willing to place a pretty hefty bet to say at some point in the last few seconds of his life, the words, “God, Jesus and Mother” came from his mouth – and not necessarily in a way that would make his Dad and I proud. He knew enough to know he’d messed up, BIG and there wasn’t going to be any negotiating out of this one.  I am sure there was fear, panic, and regret – feelings Keegan was completely unfamiliar with. He was very confident, calm and lived in the moment. YOLO!! (he used to say it allll the time) Part of me is very sad that I wasn’t there for him to help him manage those feelings – any mother wants to help guide their child through unchartered territory, especially such difficult feelings to handle and then it kind of makes me happy in a way, that he was able to spend all 21 years of his life, absent of those feelings until the last few seconds. That’s where my luck lies, in my children. 

 It can be really bothersome when I think of other car accidents that were rollovers or where someone hit a tree – why did that person get to live? Why couldn’t Keegan be allowed to survive? If he would’ve worn his seatbelt or had decent tires – would he have lived then? If he had lived, would he have been the same? (NO, he would never have been the same – of that, I am sure, not physically, psychologically or emotionally). Was there something I could’ve done to change the outcome of this in any way? (the answer is NO, by the way – God’s will, remember?) It’s not our place to understand all of the what-fors and why-nots, it’s our place to trust His plan and make the best of the roles He has placed us in. We don't have to like it, we just have to live with it (this phrase is very familiar to my children).

Keegan was a great negotiator.  He’d be grounded and have someplace he wanted to go and beg me, ‘Just let me go for 3 hours and I will take 3 more days of grounding – a day for every hour, Mom – pleeeeease???’. Well, he’s still serving his time, right?  I was running my family – not a prison and I wasn’t trying to wreck his life, I was trying to help him build one.  I would take that negotiation because the point was made, I felt. He knew he’d made the mistake and that there were repercussions, as long as the lesson was learned….and it was. Going back to the trait of his that he would rather ask for forgiveness than for permission?  Yeah, he knew there were consequences and sometimes, he was more than willing to pay the price or serve the grounding. The thing is, that he was also one of those kids you could give an inch and he’d take a mile – or maybe two, so there were a few occasions where I’d just have to be extra firm and get him reeled back in before he got too far out of control. There is not a big enough fishing pole to reel him in this time, but I can reel myself in – and his brothers.

There is nothing that any of us could have done that day. Keegan knew he had no business out on that road, in that car, going as fast as he was – and still he went. I’m sure that THIS was not his intent, however -but there is nothing any of us can do to change it. We can fish around for the rest of our days looking for some little factor to the day we might’ve been able to somehow change, it’s not going to bring him back; it doesn’t change the outcome. The woulda/coulda/shoulda’s of this life, rob us of time that we could be doing something actual in our lives – like really going fishing with Grandpa and intentionally making some positive memories instead of dwelling on bad ones.

Yours,

Crystal

Duct Tape

I’m ok. Surrrrre. You betchya.

I’m one of those people who will ask how you are and genuinely wants an answer – I may not slow down for the answer as I’m walking by, but I will turn my head to wait for the response and backtrack if I don’t get one. I’m guilty of telling you I’m great when I’m not and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be more than ok again – or if I even want to be. I can muster up a smile for you and will enjoy a conversation and the company of my family and friends, but my anxiety is high. I know that’s of no surprise to anyone, but I don’t know how to fix it – any of it.  That’s not really how I work.  I always fix it – if I can’t fix it, I know someone who can or it probably shouldn’t be fixed. I am pretty creative with my hot glue, ribbon and the occasional duct tape work but the impact here – is against an innocent family. MY FAMILY. My children just had their brother ripped from them and quite honestly, part of me is really pissed off!  At no one.  I have nobody to be angry at. I am a red-headed Leo – I can always find someone to blame and can usually justify why they did it, too. 

Not this time.

Building a family is hard work. There’s a lot of teaching and mistakes and forgiveness. We have all built our lives around this precious part of our family (we are ALL precious to our families – know your worth) and we just don’t get any more hugs or kisses from him? He’s not going to chase his little brother around to tickle him mercilessly or challenge his big brother in basketball? He won’t dance with his niece again or be at his brother’s weddings (when those days come)?  I spent a lot of time growing and birthing those wide shoulders – and now he won’t be there for his siblings to lean on when his dad and I pass on?  This is a ridiculous rip off! No more help cooking, no more begging for green bean casserole or brownies – no more camping trips?  But he’s the only one who builds the fire the way I like it!!! Please, God – I will make him biscuits and gravy until he can’t eat another bite and he can snitch all of the sausage out of sausage and potatoes that he wants!  Give him back! Pleeeeeeeease????? How is he gone at 21?!?!

Because time is not owed to anyone. God did not owe me Keegan, he blessed me with him. I am honored to have 4 beautiful boys that I get to call mine and if anything – I owed it to God to care for him to my greatest ability for every minute of his life. If you know me – you know I did. My life is completely built around caring for my children, setting an example (not that it’s a flawless one, by any means) – but I am completely and totally, intentionally theirs. And all my anger is simply wasted energy. I am literally wearing myself out trying find someone or something to blame. Just pass me the duct tape so I can try to piece my family back together. Except, the tape won’t stick through our tears.

As a whole, God has really taken care of our family over the years and placed a lot of tremendous people in our lives for us to love and to love us, perfectly. From the family I have been so incredibly blessed with, to the people I was raised with, to friendships only a few months old – we have been held so tightly through all of this, there is no way for us to fall. In faith, family and friendship – we are loved.

We had 4 (steady) hours of visitation before the service for Keegan – it was beautiful and it was overwhelming. The seats were full with people standing across the back and in the aisles as I gave my second-ever attempt at public speaking and the longest procession to the cemetery one of the employees claims he’s seen in the 6 years he’s worked there.  Keegan was smart and funny and loved. A lot.  The pall bearers were some of Keegan’s closest soccer team mates who wore their jerseys to accompany him out for the last time and one of the most powerful things I remember through this whole experience was as I filed in behind those jerseys (as I had countless times over the years), following all of these boys I had the pleasure of watching grow into men….I walked as a grieving mother, head down, shoulders hunched in a form of woman who had been beaten and about 1/3 of the way down the aisle, I could feel myself being set back up straight, shoulders back – chin up….as I have told my children countless times through the trials of their lives.  I took a deep breath, accepted that I was literally being carried through that moment and kept on walking. I didn’t consciously change my posture, (I surely didn’t have the strength, I was exhausted) - it was done for me. I had been shifted back into an upright position without being touched as if to say, “This will not beat you.” even though I very much felt it had. There were so many things I accomplished that day that can only be explained as the grace of God carrying me through – seeing my son for the last time on this earth, walking up to the podium to speak to a packed house, following my son out with his team for the last time and walking away from him in the cemetery.  I didn’t want to leave him – that’s not how it’s supposed to work; a mother doesn’t leave her child. I was ok to be beaten by this – this is my son, whom I adored and he was taken from me in a cheap and dirty way, as far as I’m concerned. And then I began thinking in the following days and weeks of who is to blame – who’s winning from my loss? I grabbed my duct tape to mend this busted and broken heart and got to work, praying and writing and praying some more.

Satan is the cause of death and misery in the world and he will NOT be winning any battles on me.  OH, no no no no no no! My little red-headed Leo temper is out – I am made of SO much more than that. GAME ON, Satan. (Ephesians 6:10-13 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.). I have experienced enough grief in my life to know a few things about getting through it & of course I’m going to share it with you now (what would be the point if I didn’t?). 

·       You have to feel it and process it or else it builds until you finally explode in one way or another – no matter how that goes down, it doesn’t end well. Do yourself the favor and feel it as it comes. I cry in the car, I cry making dinner, I cry in the bathroom, I cry sometimes even in the middle of a conversation (bothers you way more than me – I earned those tears, as far as I’m concerned). Sometimes I yell (alone) and sometimes I’m just crabby – I’m honest about it and forewarn people – it’s a part of my process, tomorrow is a new day and most likely, it will be better.

·       My son very much lives on.  In me, in his brothers, his friends – in so many loved ones he left behind. It is our charge, to find all of the amazing ways he left his mark. His sense of adventure and humor are in his brothers and friends, his smile I’ve been told – is from me, but I will tell you all day long he is the spitting (blonde) image of his daddy, his gentle and kind spirit is found in his cousins and his work ethic and dedication are easily shared and found with his team mates. 

·       Remembering your loved ones care for you is key.  I know my son does not want my story to end, my life to stop. I was scheduled to participate in a 5k the weekend after his service.  Five days after we laid his body to rest, I was supposed to go with my ‘Team Brave’ girls and I honestly did not feel like it and they knew it, but when I began contemplating whether or not to go, all I heard was Keegan saying, “Mom, I do not want to hear it – get your butt out there and get it done.” – so, of course I did. Going back to the incredible people God has placed in my life, these girls are so supportive of me and my journey in Christ and we talked about lots of other things, not just Keegan and loss and it helped. Tremendously. 

Healing doesn’t just come in and silently fix everything and leave you a brilliant ray of sunshine. You have to do some work. You have to realize its ok and to make the choice to heal, intentionally. Our loved ones are not upset to see us healing and loving and being happy again – if anything, that is their wish for us! 

Grab your duct tape and get to work.

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal

 

Beloved God, today I pray that you help us understand that your love for us is greater than anything we can imagine (Ephesians 1:4 "Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.") and that through you, we will find the strength to carry on as Mary did when she had to witness the torture and endure the loss of her son, Jesus. I pray you help us turn over our trials and tribulations to you so that we may be free to focus on living more like Jesus; forfeiting greed, conceit & judgement and trusting you will help us become more giving people to mankind - sharing love, patience, and forgiveness and I pray that you help us find comfort in the armor you so readily provide us - we just have to gear up to have protection in this world. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen

 

 

 

 

 

Heart Broken

My intelligent, strong, vibrant, charming and handsome young son died in a car accident. I feel like I probably roll my eyes every time I say "accident". Even if you add "tragic" or “terrible” - it's still not very accurate. An "accident" is dropping an egg on the floor or not pressing the brakes quite hard enough to keep from bumping in front of the person in front of you to stop for a red light. It's just a ridiculous understatement - my son died in the horrifying mangling of his car. Keegan got into his "supercharged" car while he was angry, at night, in the rain, with horrible tires and bad headlights, without a seatbelt on. He took his "supercharged" car down a country road and you could clearly see the road curved - and his car simply, did not. He went straight, they could see where he hit his brakes, slid through wet, thick brush and weeds for a rough estimate of about 500 feet off the road before he spotted a berm and tree; cranked his wheel to avoid them before his car proceeded to roll over – they estimate about 3 times. He had a family who cherished him, a girlfriend who loved him and a myriad of friends that adored him. He had so much life ahead of him and he was very intent on enjoying it.

It's so difficult to not be angry that he’s gone - but angry at who? I wanted to be angry at his girlfriend for the fight - but I know she never intended for this to happen, she very much loved my son. Keegan never handled conflict well and sometimes there's just no way around it. Keegan's perspective from pretty early on was always that it was better to ask forgiveness than seek permission and sometimes he was able to get by with that - but it usually just allowed him the ability to justify things in his own mind that he shouldn't have been doing in the first place. My son was many wonderful things; perfect - he was not. I wanted to be angry at the county for not having a rail on the road to keep cars from going through the area he did - but we live in a rural area with a LOT of winding roads. I don't quite support the idea myself of rails on every curve in the county - so that wasn't realistic either. I tried to be mad at the car manufacturer for making this ridiculous “supercharged" car that goes way too fast for any legal limits I know of but that goes into infringing on our freedom and all of that business. I learned when my boys were little that if they want something bad enough (toy guns), they will find a way to get or make them (Legos) even if you vehemently deny them access (OR they just bring them home from the church fun fair - true story). I am a firm believer that just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD and that’s definitely a lesson I try to teach my boys. This applies here not only in the production of this car, but in general – the ability to speed and take such tremendous risk. I tried to be angry at God, but I know all too well that God's plan for us never involved grief and despair (John 6:40 For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.). Mad at myself? I taught him to wear a seat belt. I clearly recall sitting in front of daycare one day for 15 solid minutes because he refused to keep his seatbelt on when he was 3 - and then when he finally did leave it on for any length of time, we got about 6 blocks away before I brake checked him because he thought he'd be sly and unhook it after we started moving. I never had another problem after that. I only go about 5 miles over the speed limit (okay – maybe 8!) because I know my luck - and I try really hard not to push it. I never set that example of driving angry and fast...I hardly even use my horn.

I feel like I failed and didn’t keep my son safe – my #1 job as a mother - but I also know what I taught him. Keegan was 21 years old and I can try to be mad at him for making some really bad choices that day, but on the other side of that coin, my faith tells me that it was his turn to be called home and nothing was going to change that (Isaiah 14:24 The Lord of hosts has sworn: “As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand. Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.) I guess I'm grateful to have all of these factors that give me the reasons why and it wasn't something that mysteriously killed him, right?

This has been a pretty exciting year for me spiritually and I know that’s not by any mistake. I attended a women’s conference earlier this year that was about focusing on the roles God has placed you in and being certain you’re doing the best job you can in those roles. As a whole, we were charged with creating our own groups, our own “Team Brave” to set up some goals – personally, spiritually and professionally and mindfully stepping outside of our boxes and work on being stronger Christian women. Being brave in our faith. Intentional. I have a nice list of things to work on for the year but one of my greatest failings I can tell you right now as a mother is in the spiritual direction of my children. Don’t get me wrong, my kids know a lot more about God’s expectations and Jesus’ life than they even know – I just never wrapped the lessons up with the bow of ‘religion’ tied to it. They were never required to go to church and really only saw their parents go for holidays, even though I consider myself to have a very strong relationship with God and pray daily; my kids don't see it. The struggle now, is that they’re not well versed in praying – which is something we all need desperately right now so I will be adding some personal prayer in here as a way of sharing with our family and friends and anyone else who’d like to stop in and hopefully, we can all do some healing together.

My approach to healing will simply be to grieve toward God, with my village - because I also know that we are not meant to go through this life alone. We are meant to be together and hold each other up - so let's do this!

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal


Lord, please wrap your loving arms around our broken-hearted family. We know that will be our only way to find healing. Please help us remember that there are other forces at work on this earth and that sometimes we need to make hard decisions to get where we want or need to be. Satan will put forth his attempts to make us angry and question you for Keegan’s death, but we know that it was never your plan for us to be separated from our loved ones. We pray that this horrible tragedy strengthens us as a family and while we are all grieving differently, you are here for each of us in any capacity we will allow your light to shine through in us. May we find comfort and peace in your loving grace and each other. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen