Right Hand Man

We have all been struggling to work through our grief as the holidays neared and my eldest son is certainly no exception. He pleasantly surprised me today, as he had written something he wanted to share with everyone on how he's coping and managing to bring some progress to his grief and perspective. I am proud that he was brave enough to put all of this into words, honored that he asked to share it here and privileged - that this young man, calls me 'Mom'.

As Christmas has drawn closer and closer, the holidays have been increasingly different than any other years I have experienced. Holidays, of course, are usually always filled with food, family, fun, and gifts each year for us. This year has felt empty and hollow compared to years past. I know a majority, if not all of it stems from Keegan not being here with us physically. It's put me in a slump the last month or so that has been hard to get out of, filled with many emotions. I have been in a so called "hibernation mode" lately where I have not gone and done much, talked to many people, or really done anything at all. I have done a lot of sitting at home in quietness and kept to myself, and I have been okay with that honestly. That all came to an end after this past weekend.

A few months ago I created a plan that I wanted to go out and complete every goal or dream that Keegan and I ever had together. The top three things were easy to come up with (in no specific order):

1. Watch an Ohio State game in Columbus, OH

2. Go mountain climbing in Colorado

3. Watch a Tech N9ne concert in his hometown of Kansas City, MO

This past weekend my dad, a good group of our friends, and myself went to complete one goal off this list.... See Tech N9ne in Kansas City. To most this would be kind of "whatever". Fair enough, Tech N9ne is not everyone's flavor of music. To us, this was about to be the best weekend ever. Let me tell you, mission accomplished. We jammed out at that concert like never before. With quick little moments of putting our fist in the middle with our wristbands that have "KMM 7-7-15" on them to reminded one another he was there jamming with us. For the first time in a while, I felt alive. Everything was okay. He was not there with us physically but I knew darn well he was there with us enjoying it just as much as we were. No sadness. No tears. There was happiness and I knew we completed a mission that before, I wasn't sure would ever be completed. But we did it! I felt I was finally out of my slump.

Returning home was one of the most sobering and downing moments. How do I go back to regular life after such a spectacular weekend? Even the Monday afterwards, I could not focus at work, just enamored from the weekend. And Monday night felt like I was falling back into a slump again as reality set back in more and more. I wanted to easily go back to "hibernation mode". But I did not want to allow it. I realized, it was being in the moments Keegan would be there for and living it like he was there physically like we all did at that show, that made it special and enjoyable. It felt as if I am still making memories with my brother. Maybe instead of being upset that he's not there for every moment with me anymore, start enjoying the moments he would normally be there for, as if he was there?

I carried this thought into Tuesday as we put up the Christmas tree at my house. No, Keegan was not going to be there but we still went about as if he was. His stocking and ornaments all hung up with the rest. I still put the lights on in the most disastrous way like I did last year that he harassed me so much for. I laughed while doing so, knowing he is just shaking his head that I was making it all more difficult than needed. Thats how we rolled. Keegan 'Mr. Simplistic' and I 'Mr. Complicated'. It made it much easier just going about it as if he we there though. To me now, Kansas City was not just about completing a life goal of ours. It was a reminder to continue to do things as if he is right by my side. How can I have a huge tattoo on my right arm with a quote of him being my right hand man, but not going about as if he is still right beside me?! I know he still right beside me. So now I am refusing to be in slumps because he is not here. I'm learning to keep going as if he is still standing there doing things with me. So let's enjoy the holidays. And Mom, get the green bean casserole ready. We're hungry.

Now excuse me, as I go drink a baja blast (Keegan's favorite pop), and go play some NBA 2K to beat the Portland Trailblazers (Keegan's team he uses) & give dirty looks for every pump fake to a mid range jump shot that is made. ✌

Pass the Green Beans

When Pastor asked us after Keegan died what his favorite holiday was, without question – I answered, “Christmas”. Keegan’s whole face lit up on Christmas day and it was only until the last few years that I realized that it was never about the gifts for this kid. The grand majority of the time, Keegan couldn’t even tell you what he wanted for Christmas. He was just never really concerned about the ‘stuff’. He loved the part about Christmas that gave him more time with his family (both by and beyond blood) – he loved us all just to be together. The boys used to get new socks from their great-grandma when they were younger and I kid you not, these kids would get genuinely excited over those socks, year after year. Not that they didn’t have decent socks – but it became something they could depend on, and so they did. I think they just loved the consistency of it. I thought about those moments of joy – cheering for new socks – for years. We’d spend hundreds of dollars on Christmas and Keegan was just never really impressed by it. Not that he didn’t get what he wanted, but it was just ‘stuff’ to him. The lessons we try to teach our kids over and over about the real meaning of Christmas and the love and giving– he got it, but it was always frustrating that he just didn’t get too excited over his gifts after we sometimes had to work long and hard to not only obtain the gifts – but keep them a secret!

We went to see Tom Zuba speak in early November about getting through the holidays when someone you love has died and he had some really great ideas on how to incorporate our loved ones into the holidays.  Tom has endured some incredible pain in life, losing 2 of his children and his wife – in 3 separate, tragic events. Leaving him to raise his remaining child solo. You want to talk about endurance and resilience? This guy has it down pat. One of his ideas was to make their favorite dish for the meal and then I started thinking what that might be – my green bean casserole was definitely Keegan’s #1 when it came to Thanksgiving and that had already been arranged but then I thought about how much he loved pumpkin pie, and stuffing, and ham, and turkey…I realized that Thanksgiving was actually more likely to be Keegan’s true favorite holiday; not Christmas. That child loved his Thanksgiving meal! Because we have blended families – the boys always got at least 2 meals and Keegan would eat green bean casserole before he left our house, eat at his dad’s house, and then come back looking for more green bean casserole….completely no such thing as too much green bean casserole at this house. Craziness!

This year, my brother offered to host Thanksgiving and we graciously accepted his offer. We brought the ham and the green bean casserole to avoid the battle of the oven that is bound to ensue at most any Thanksgiving feast trying to keep the various dishes warm. My sister makes a tremendous pie crust – so she was asked to bring pies and my brother and his clan pulled the rest of it together and truly, did an amazing job. It was a beautiful day.

Everybody keeps asking how I’m doing, knowing it’s my first Thanksgiving without Keegan and I guess I’m ok. Thanksgiving morning as I was getting ready for the day – I’m reviewing in my mind all of the family I’m looking forward to seeing and little by little I could feel it creeping in and WHAM! Like a ton of bricks, I’m faced with the blatant reminder that again, Keegan WON’T BE THERE. Not ever again will he be there. Anywhere I go, he won’t be. Not physically anyway. And I cry. My 4 year old was in the bathroom with me and I just couldn’t contain it this time, I had no choice but to let the tears roll & the sobbing began. I was too overcome to control it. So then I’m upset about Keegan, and frustrated that I’m putting myself behind schedule because I need to get my makeup on and finish up the ham so we can get on the road to my brother’s and then, I’m disappointed on top of that because while I don’t mind shedding the occasional tear here and there in front of the little one – or even crying at the cemetery or something directly related – I just feel like I’m exposing him to emotion he doesn’t understand (and rightfully, shouldn’t have to). I pulled myself together, ‘straightened my crown’, as they say, and carried on with my day.

Throughout the course of the day, I thought about all of the things I’m thankful for and in addition to being grateful for my family and friends and my general health, I get to have a whole new set of things this year.  Things that no mother should have to even begin to fathom in their gratitude. I’m thankful to know that my son only had caffeine in his system when he died – no alcohol. I’m thankful to know that he did stomp the brakes, cranked the wheel and broke his wrists honestly trying to stop his car, he left his seatbelt off because he was being lazy – not because he was suicidal (apparently he often left his seatbelt off – but I would never know that because I’m the momma – that was never going to fly with me). Even though he fought with his girlfriend just prior to his ‘accident’– I know that it was only because she loved him and wanted to fight for their relationship. I know that regardless of the topic of that argument, she would do anything for a redo of that day (as would he) and it was never his intent to not return from his drive. I’m thankful for all of that knowledge and peace of mind in that regard and of course, I am thankful for the incredible support of loving and understanding friends and husband who don’t have expectations on how I should or should not be grieving but let me take it at my own pace and are there for any stumble (or face plant) I encounter along the way. I am grateful that Keegan’s dad (and step-mom) and I have a friendship that has allowed us to grieve together as his parents, realizing that Keegan was a very important part of his step-mom/dad’s lives too. This is a tremendous blessing – to be able to fully realize the love that surrounded our son and the range of support we have now. The beauty of all of these relationships, is that they are all something that we’ve been able to depend on for a long time – long before July arrived – so when tragedy hit, we knew we had the other’s back because we’ve been doing it for years.

Another relationship that I’m immensely grateful for, is the one I have with Jesus. I say this – because I haven’t been a fan of attending church or having open discussion about faith in my life until Keegan died. I fully respect that everyone has their own beliefs, but I also realize that some are confused or lost altogether and I can honestly say that until we lost Keegan – I had no idea how much I would need Jesus. Don’t misunderstand – I remember praying as a little girl and asking for help, strength, and guidance. As I grew older, I questioned why God was not answering some of my prayers and what direction he was expecting me to go and how he expected me to survive in my circumstances, etc. I was put in positions time and time again to not only question the situations he had put me in, but trust that he did so for a purpose. I lived with a lot of doubt and fear. And then I learned – that fear cannot live where faith is. You must trust His plan and LISTEN. You have to give Him room to move in your life or He won’t; He can’t.  The Lord can tell you a lot of things, but it does no good if you aren’t listening (sound familiar?). So, I'm just saying - that when something as tragic as losing your child happens - and you're a red-headed Leo (at least if you're this one)...you kind of perk up and ask God, WAHT THE HECK IS THIS ABOUT?!?! And then you listen, if you dare.  It sometimes takes some bravery to listen when God speaks to you, but again with the red-headed Leo...I ain't scared.  What you got for me?

I don’t know why I was chosen to be blessed with Keegan, only to have him taken away – but I shall be grateful. I will not allow my grief in losing him outshine my joy in having him in the first place. Please don’t let your grief steal your joy, either.

So, how was my Thanksgiving? It was ok. I did everything I was supposed to do and enjoyed my time with most of the family I’ve been blessed with and as I helped my brother clean up the leftover food from our tremendous meal, I grabbed some green bean casserole and I took it to my boy at the cemetery because I know as much as we’re missing him – he was definitely looking for us to pass the green bean casserole!

Story Teller

I’ve been dreading this day for weeks and it’s finally here. Today marks Keegan’s 22^nd birthday. Part of me didn’t even really want to be coherent for this day, I kind of wanted to stay in bed for just this one day and see how it goes. I’ve been strong for almost 4 months…I’ve ‘earned’ a day in bed to mope and pout and be sad, right? Well – part of me also knows that if I do it once, I might like it and will want to do it again and then it might become a habit and who needs that? Sounds like just opening the door for depression and welcoming it right in. No thanks – I’ve got other things to do! In an effort to keep myself (or any of our children) from doing just that – my ever supportive husband agreed to a weekend family trip out of town. We made a very intentional plan to enjoy life on a day that what would otherwise be a horribly painful reminder of what we are all missing.

After being up all night scrubbing my floor and cleaning my apartment in Rockton, 22 years ago today, I loaded my eldest son in the car at 5:30 am and I drove us to the hospital in labor with what would become one of the easiest labors and one of most enjoyable children to raise, ever. Keegan’s dad would meet us there and nobody realized at that point, that Keegan – well, being Keegan – wasn’t really worried about anyone else’s idea of time. He didn't care if anyone was ready for him, it was time for him to show up and shine! And so he did - for all of his life. It was roughly a 40 minute drive to the hospital – I did have to pull over a few times – and everyone at the hospital was more concerned about the 22 month old I had in tow, than the emerging child I was actually there to deliver. I can’t totally blame them, my oldest really is quite a subtle sort of attention getter and completely adorable with his charming smile and sweet dimples and all.  I remember changing into my gown and then BLAM, my oldest son was swept down to the nursery by some of the nurses until his dad got there and just like THAT Keegan was here! It was 6:44 am.  In roughly an hour and 10 minutes, we drove to the hospital, checked in, changed and delivered! We are nothing, if not efficient. 

Clearly, one of the ways I’m coping with the loss of my son is through my faith. One of the tools I use is music and there was a song I heard several weeks ago that I couldn’t even stand. It’s called Storyteller by Morgan Harper Nichols…..and when I first heard it, I was thinking of storyteller as someone who expands the truth a little – you know, the fisherman who had the fish who grows in size every time he tells the story of the one that got away? So, since I’m not one much for drama and I really am quite the advocate to ‘say what you mean and mean what you say’, I disliked the song immediately and changed the channel. Luckily, they played the song again. And again. And it has become my anthem, of sorts, in the following weeks. The song is about how God was with her through the highs and lows of her life and that her faithful perspective was really her story to tell. There’s a part of the verse that goes, “That’s the story I’ll tell” – and that’s the part I didn’t like, as if she was making up the part about God being with her through various things and then it struck me. It’s not that she’s making it up – that’s her perspective and what she’s choosing to focus on! Not everyone can see His love through their dark times, it’s a choice we make – over and over. When you tell your story - are you focusing on all of the bad things? We ALL have bad things in our life - is that what your attention is left to - I refer to it as being a victim of your own life. Or is your story on how you persevered and succeeded BEYOND those bad things - in spite of them? 

Have you ever met siblings that are just complete polar opposites? I always found it very interesting that my sister and I were raised by the same man, in the same house, with a lot of the same experiences and support system and we have made very different choices, decisions and lives for ourselves. There are many, many theories out there on birth order, astrology, are you the child of an alcoholic, etc – but they all seem to center around perspective; how are different things perceived and interpreted? Do you walk around this world as a giver or a taker? Do you feel you owe or are owed? Are you entitled or have you honestly earned? Who and/or what decides your success?

My grandmother was one of the most faithful, grateful, strong and generous women I have ever known. Such a tremendous example for us - this woman knew how to cherish a pile of poo – because don’t YOU know, that that pile will be used to fertilize a bush that will bear fruit to nourish our bodies? I am not story telling here – that is how her mind worked – there is always SOMETHING to be grateful for. You only have $5 in your pocket? Well, aren’t you thankful that you have a pocket to hold it in and 2 good hands in which to earn more so you can give what you have to someone in need who is unable to care for themself? Some people actually have the perception that this would make her weak or naïve but you know what I’ve found? It’s a lot of work to be in a constant state of giving. What can I do, where can I give, who can I help? A lot of work, but of tremendous reward. I’ve also learned that the greatest reward, is sometimes just that our generosity is between us and God. If you do good things for the recognition, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. Of course, manners are wonderful and you hope people would express some gratitude but doing good should be about doing what’s right, not because you’re looking for some big pat on the back. Even greater, is to give to those who can never repay you and/or don’t even know WHO to repay – that’s fun, huh?

Our family met at the cemetery this morning to gather in support of each other as we embark on this day which would normally be of celebration and is now a day that is just a blatant reminder of a life we are all missing. My ‘story’ is to be grateful for the time we had with Keegan, honored to be his parents and family, and know that although he is gone this year – he is very much with us. I miss him terribly and know that in many ways I feel, my children feel, Keegan’s dad, grandparents or friends feel – that they are alone in their grief, because we are all missing him differently. My point to them all this morning (and as a reminder to myself) is that we are NOT alone. We are very much in this together and we can certainly CHOOSE to stand in our grief alone and miserable and without support. Or we can accept the love that surrounds us and the grace and support of our savior to help carry us through this (and any other trial and tribulations). The choice is ours, really. What’s going to be your perception, your stance, your story? I don’t get a say for you – but mine? I hope mine is one worth telling.

 

Intentionally Yours,

 

Crystal

Walking Away From July

So, I feel like I’m kind of ‘stuck’ in my grieving process. I’m not overwhelmed, I’m maybe underwhelmed – really. I get up and go to work every day – I always have, so I’m definitely not ‘wallowing’ in my grief. I went to football games and go to soccer practices, I’m working on my 10,000 steps a day and trying to watch what I eat (to work on getting rid of this weight I’ve put on over the last 2 years) and am staying social, going to church and praying hard – I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing and still feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m trying to find some easing to my pain in various ways – prayer, essential oils, meditation and exercise. As I mentioned, I am on a mission to lose some weight I put on when I quit smoking a couple of years ago and eventually – I’ll get there.  Even if I don’t – I’d rather be heavy than have black lung and that horrid cough – but through the course of my attempts at losing weight, I’ve realized that I am just not built to run. I don’t know if my short little 5’2” legs just don’t give me enough of a stride to make it worth it, or if I really wrecked my lungs and will never have that kind of capacity again – the list goes on and on as to the different issues I’ve come up against. Not a runner – it’s ok, I’ll deal with it. I can walk just fine, so walking is what I’ll do. Walk, walk, walk. Yay.(…..aaaaaand, he kept on walking…..joke to my kids from Early Bird on Sesame Street)

I am angered to see that Satan is attacking my family in our grief; as if the loss of Keegan isn’t enough to try to manage, seeing people I love battling depression is absolutely heartbreaking. Of course depression is a common result after such a loss, and while we are growing closer to God as a family, I shouldn’t be surprised in the least that Satan would continue to try to beat us down – it’s pretty much what he does, right? So, I’m going to share some of the most important things that I’ve learned in the course of my life and getting through trials and tribulations in the event that you might be battling some things too.

1.       Drugs and alcohol cause more trouble than they’re worth. They don’t fix anything, they ‘mask’ things and make you forget about them temporarily, but your problems don’t go away – if anything, they compound your problems, so don’t allow them to control any decisions you make. Really, like – not even so much as determining when you’re bladder is full (drunken stupor anyone?). This is also a control thing for me – I once saw it written that when writing the book of your life, do not hand someone else the pen. I feel that’s what drugs and alcohol do – they really do write your story for you and they don’t have high expectations for you. Don’t give away that power to anyone or anything.

2.       Ignoring the problem, also doesn’t make it go away. Recognize it, accept it and make positive decisions to correct it. Staying in bed, doesn’t make Keegan come back, doesn’t make me feel better about life and doesn’t make me a better mother, wife or friend. Getting out of bed helps anything that can be helped in this situation, so LET’S. DO. THAT. And that's pretty much how I go about making the continual choices in my grieving.

3.       Did you know that, “…fear not…” is in the bible 365 times? That’s an occurrence for every single day of the year. As my feet hit the floor getting out of bed each morning – FEAR NOT, what Satan has in store to tear my life apart – because *I* have the love of Jesus!  Eat my dust, Satan - catch my drift? Anyone know Tora Tora? I’m putting on my walking shoes – I tell ya baby I’m leaving you….

4.       So, if you’ve never met me – I tend to be a little stubborn and persistent. I don’t back down and I don’t run away. On occasion, these have been made out to be negative traits – but I’ll tell ya what….I really do choose my battles, and don’t sugarcoat much. My point is that after my feet hit the floor and I remind myself to FEAR NOT every day, I take my steps as they come and sometimes, it’s pretty hard. I utilize every ounce of my stubbornness and persistence some days – just to get one foot past the other. I know that God knew what he was doing when he put me together because he knew that my strong personality would be far more important than long legs or a tan. Taking my strengths and put them to work for me!

So, now what? I feel like I’m still doing it wrong – and I know that I can’t. I remember grieving for my dad and having this conversation with my aunt about 5 years after he’d died – I can’t do it wrong, and neither can you - we all grieve differently. I’m beginning to realize that even how I grieved for my dad, and my mom – were different and how I’m grieving for Keegan – is different than that. We got together for a family event a few weeks ago and I took pictures of my boys – absent of Keegan. It’s so weird to look at just the 3 of them – and for as grateful as I am for each of them and adore them for their individual greatness – Keegan’s definitely missing. He would’ve smuggled the pumpkin pie out of the house that day and eaten the hot dogs right off the grill. We’ve had a few different events in the last few months and I remember standing there with my family and feeling like we’re missing someone. Now, let me just explain – that it’s nothing for our family to ACTUALLY FORGET to invite people to things. There have been birthday parties, baby showers – where not everyone actually received an invite that should have. I’ve been notified of births via Facebook on more than one occasion. People go in and out of the hospital and not everyone’s always told – we are TERRIBLE at communicating (and we all live within 30 minutes of each other). So, when we’re standing there thinking we’re missing someone, we are literally going through our mental checklists in a panic thinking we've screwed up somewhere and then we realize….we ARE missing someone, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Damn. And then I wonder if a family get together will ever feel whole again? Part of me says no, and I don’t want them to be – but part of me also feels like we’ll need to find a new normal – at some point.  I’d be cool with just not having an emotional breakdown after each one; really. So, what I’ve determined happens is this. We go to an event – have fun, love our family – love our friends, everything is great and wonderful and my life is amazing, right? It really is! I couldn’t be more grateful and then a short while afterward – BAM! I think about Keegan and what he would’ve done, said, etc. at the event and I’m an instant mess. Because as wonderful as the event was – Keegan would have brought his own twist of fun and humor to it – because that’s what he did. He made everything better. So, again I ask – now what?

For starters, I can’t help but feel that the further we get away from last July, the easier things will get (time heals all wounds, right?) – but that doesn’t seem to be the case. It feels like there are constantly new obstacles to overcome and Satan wants to battle on and on – mercilessly. Some days are so hard to think about the fact that Keegan is not coming back – he’s not walking in the door again. He’s not coming for dinner, he’s not going to give me another hug and kiss and I am heartbroken all over again. I have replayed an ‘accident’ I can only imagine, time and time again. I can’t even help it – I’ve tried to stop it; I can’t. But I have to keep trying. It’s absurd to me that I wasn’t even in the accident, but I have imagined every inch of it and in some ways, those of us grieving Keegan are walking away from the very accident he was unable to. It doesn't mean we aren't carrying him with us every step of the way, because I will have him with me ALWAYS.

I may stumble, I may fall, my eyes may be stinging and blurred from my tears – but much like that day leaving the church, I will blindly keep putting one foot in front of the other with whatever ounce of strength God gives me. Some days I have so much conflict going on and feel like I’m fighting left and right – I’m exhausted but my persistence doesn’t allow me to stop. I will do what it takes to get through this because I trust that there’s a reason God left me here. You better believe I will keep on walking - away from July.

Abandoned

"I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares your will for me”

Pretty powerful, huh? It is for me – that’s for sure. This is from a song by Jeremy Camp that reminds me of Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen and similarly John 20:29 Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”. There’s been plenty of times I don’t feel that I ‘see’ what God’s will is for me…the days following Keegan’s death are pretty hazy. I was completely dazed and confused – trying to cover every base I could, searching desperately for the purpose, the sense in it all. I still don’t have that and I may not, ever.

In going through the process of my grief and trying to put all of my feelings in their nice little compartments (just being honest - I don't really know why I do it, but I'm sure some of my friends and family can tell me :)), I'm realizing that a big part of my pain is that I don’t have Keegan’s ‘person’ to go to for a hug or kiss or to see him walk in my door again or share a funny story I think he’d like. Physically, I want to see my son’s face, to hug him and kiss him. It’s insanely painful emotionally and physically, for me to think that I don’t get to do those things again. While it makes me smile to think about how he would react to a situation…there’s always the underlying feeling that he SHOULD be here to do it. I shouldn’t have to be thinking about what he WOULD do – I should be able to watch him doing it. We participated in an American Heart Walk last weekend and it rained. A lot. We were soaked toward the end and my oldest son kind of ran off and ditched us to get to his car – which was fine, the walk was pretty early on a Sunday and he’d had a long day of helping his friend move the day before so he was not at 100%. I couldn’t help but laugh though, that Keegan would have likely run the walk and then ran back to us again and kept running, in the rain – teasing all of us, because he played soccer in the rain for years. He loved it. He would get annoyed when teams would cancel practices or games because of the rain because he was always ready to roll (club soccer only cancels for lightning and we’ve literally spent hours waiting for clearance to finish a game) and something about soccer being more fun in the rain…maybe the slide tackles (to my soccer moms – oh, yes – can we please wear the white shorts that day too?!?!)? He’s not here, though – he wasn’t at breakfast afterward to help me stack the plates at the restaurant (we don’t leave the table a mess) and he won’t be at dinner on Thursday – or Sunday – or any day. I’m just standing here with all of this love for him and no body to direct it to. I can’t call him or text him – he left me here, abandoned. I’ve spent a great deal of time, money and energy feeding, teaching, loving and building this child into a man and he’s just gone? I'm really clear on the fact he was not authorized by myself or his dad for his trip outta here without us....and yet, here we are.

Oh. Wait. 

Our creator, the Father of all – has a plan, too. Bigger and better than anything our measly minds can fathom. A plan for Keegan, his brothers & sisters, me and Keegan’s dad….all of us who were left behind. I don’t know the plan and right now, I don’t really like the plan – but much like I tell my own kids, I guess I don’t really have to – because in all reality, I’m not in charge (ssshhh – don’t tell my kids), God is. I ask him to be – every day. I ask him to lead and support me and you know what, he never fails me and it makes my days a whole lot easier.

One of the most beautiful parts of having faith, is that it’s unseen. I have faith – I’m definitely a believer in God, Jesus – the Holy Spirit – I’m all over it, I pray regularly and know I’ve made it through many a chapter in the book of my life only through God’s grace, but I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that after we lost Tommy (one of my son’s best friends & his mother is one of my best friends) last August – I was quickly intimidated. Tommy’s parents are STRONG in their faith and I really felt like my faith didn’t hold a candle to theirs and I couldn’t possibly be of much help to her…I mean, I feel like I’m a good person, but I’m simply not THAT good or that strong in my faith to support her. I felt terrible and completely inadequate.

ORRRRR

I could “walk by faith” (or stumble through, as my case was) – because even though I couldn’t see how, I could feel that I needed to be there for her, beyond the fact that we were both missing her son terribly! And then I realized she didn’t need me to really be spiritually strong for her – she needed me to just help her miss her son. I can do that! I miss him SO. I adore Tommy and can listen to stories of him all day and have some good ones of my own. I made the choice to let God stretch me in whatever capacity he could and of course, he moved me! I needed to do whatever I could to make any moment easier for her that I could. I didn’t need large events, you’ll notice – any small moment would work for me. Something to lighten her load in the slightest bit. I have no idea how many times I asked her what I could do for her and just kept telling her – I don’t know what it is…but God has me here with you for a reason. What an incredible year of growth for me spiritually and in our friendship it’s been. All due to a faith I can’t see. You know what else I can’t see? Keegan. I can’t see my son anymore, but I know he did not abandon me. I have to transition my love that I can see – in his face and life, into a spiritual one – similar to one I have with my creator and savior. It will take time, but I’ll get there.

Another beautiful part of having faith, is it’s light to carry. If you’ve ever held or carried a grudge…it’s heavy, isn’t it? It's heavy and ugly. It’s so much easier to carry faith, which allows for forgiveness and understanding – than it is to lug around anger and resentment. Not only is faith light to carry with you everywhere, it allows you to pass any other burdens you have off to it, too. It definitely makes our journey much easier that way.

The roads on our journey are not always smooth. There are some that are not only broken – but are downright unpaved and jagged. We trip, stumble, and fall; all are a part of the journey preparing his will for us. I don’t necessarily know what God’s will is for me – but I know that instead of sitting here feeling abandoned by my loved one – that I will work toward a different relationship with him and I will be far more healthy to instead choose to abandon my questions and doubt so I am free to move where God needs me next. My concerns, confusion, sadness and grief don’t change what’s happened to my son or the life I’m left to live without him – but I’m definitely not going to allow it to change my path back to him (Satan can keep moving along when looking for his next victim - I am not his girl). I may have a jagged path, but I will gladly crawl my way out of here on God’s terms; at least I know what’s waiting on the other side. 1 John 5:13: I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life.

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal

 

 

Loving Your Legacy

One of the most serious things I can think of - is a funeral. It really just doesn't get more intense than that, right? All of the hopes and dreams – anything you’d hoped to accomplish better be done because that’s it! Did you say your peace? Did he? Did he owe you money or did you owe him? I sit and think about some of things I experienced the day of my son's funeral and once I kind of push myself past my complete awe of everyone who was there to support us....and the presence of the Holy Spirit and God’s strength that helped get me through that day, I remember being stunned at how much some of the kids have grown and all of the friends that I've been meaning to get together with and haven't. We had family there we don't see nearly enough and people who have been a part of our lives, for a very long time (the by and beyond blood family). It was an incredible experience to have all of this love that has surrounded me and my children our whole lives (or at least the better part of it). So. Tremendously. Grateful. Do they know how we feel about them? I am fully aware that I have not been flawless in my relationships – neither was my son. We all make mistakes, but we practice forgiveness and understanding regularly (of ourselves and others) and hope for the same in return. The whole idea of ‘an eye for an eye’ makes me feel good on days I am in the mood to be a bad ass, but it’s not very practical when you’re trying to be a good person. When trying to set a positive example, we need to do the hard work of loving our enemies and exercising forgiveness. Anger is easy, I’m learning in my old age. Tough stuff for the red-headed Leo! I feel the vast majority of the people in our worlds know we love them - or they wouldn't have been there that day but there was some regret there too.

If you’re one of those people who is maybe experiencing some regret in your relationship with Keegan (or anyone else you’ve lost) – step back for a second and think about whether that’s what he (they) would want of you? I can assure you, it’s not.  We give people the benefit of the doubt and I hope we always do. If YOU decide to rip me off – that’s between you and God and He is going to take care of me (and oh yeah, he’s going to take care of you, too). Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. At the end of the day, we could spend a lot of time and energy worrying about every person who crosses our path and who has wronged us – or we can let the Lord take care of us, as He intended, and use our energy to be positive and supportive to the people positively engaged in our lives. In all reality, some people make an art out of lying and getting one over on people. My theory is that I don’t have time to play a private investigator to determine who’s being honest and who’s not. That’s not how I’m living my life. I don’t see everything, I don’t know everything….but you aren’t hiding anything from God. God knows what you’re doing and he knows your heart so you hash it out with him; quite frankly - I have better things to do.  Good luck with that.

My oldest son is quickly approaching 24 and Keegan was 21 - where their friendships are transitioning from 'childhood' friends to 'adult' friends. It’s rough because we don’t necessarily talk about how this happens – but it does happen and I see my kids and a lot of their friends struggling with the details of their friendships. A few of them came through the visitation line that day and I want them to know that it’s ok! Your friendships will transition into mature relationships as you, yourself mature. You won’t be texting or calling daily – or even multiple times a week. Some of you want to be out all of the time and some of you just want to relax on the couch - it all depends and it's all ok. Still friends - just differently. I remember Keegan feeling guilty when Tommy died - that he didn't make a greater effort to be around Tommy more and support him more. The thing that Keegan didn't see, is that Tommy knew Keegan was always there for him - whether he was beating down his door every day or not. Keegan did not HAVE to be in Tommy's presence every day to know he had his back. If we take a step back, we all know that if Tommy felt Keegan could have helped - if I could have helped - if his parents or sister could have helped....he would have called us because that was our relationship. Tommy carried our love for him with him every day - I know this by the warm smile and deep hugs he greeted me with every time I saw him – he knew. Tommy's case is more difficult I feel, because he took his life by suicide. We are all left standing here wondering what we could have done differently when Tommy's choice had nothing to do with us and everything to do with a chemical imbalance. Our ongoing struggle remains in educating (ourselves and others) on the ties between mental health and suicide, providing support and breaking the stigma attached to suicide so people aren't afraid to have conversations, seek help and know where their resources are. While we have the darling Princess Esperanza as part of Tommy’s legacy, we also have the very important work of spreading this message as part of Tommy’s legacy - but we should not have regret. 

As Keegan's friends filtered through the visitation line and cards came in the mail from across the miles, many I was fortunate enough to watch grow up with my son - into these honorable young men and essentially - they felt guilty for not getting together with him or talking with him more often. They were filled with feelings of remorse and it broke my heart and here’s why. Keegan knew he was loved – he knew very well when he came to me, a teacher, coach or friend, he was absolutely going to get his way. Whatever it was. Not that he was manipulative about anything, but he was smart and he was charming and he was confident (not cocky). He could always explain why his idea was going to be in your best interest - if he'd have found something he was passionate about, he'd have been an outstanding salesman! He was a hard worker and had been helping prepare for Baby Espi's arrival and taking care of her Momma. He was still very much grieving the loss of Tommy and was a highly engaged member of our family. He was adjusting to a huge increase of responsibility as an adult when Espi was born earlier this year - he was building his life and legacy; he was busy, without regrets because he knew the value in what he was doing couldn’t be replicated. He would not want a single person to think of him and feel sorrow – of that, I am sure. Proverbs 15:13 - "A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed."

When the older boys were younger (my youngest is in this stage, presently) and they’d get angry with me they’d say, ”I don’t like you, Mom!” and my response has been the same for 20 years…”You don’t have to.”.  My boys will tell you that I was always their parent first and we’ve had uncomfortable discussions and I’ve had to make painfully hard decisions and encourage them to make them as needed, too, because you don’t get anywhere in life skipping along on the easy paths everywhere you go (plus, we always seem to find support in unsuspecting areas when we challenge ourselves). A lot of these things were presented to them under the premise of, “I know it’s not a discussion we want to have, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if we didn’t…..” – to be honest, sometimes it’s not a discussion. I readily admit I don’t need (or want) to know everything but am pretty good at 'suspecting' a situation and I just put my unsolicited 2 cents in because I’m the Momma and I can. It doesn’t hurt them to listen to my words – hopefully at some point, they’ll mean something. There are times I find things I know I’ve told them a hundred times and I get a unique opportunity to tell them one. more. time. because they’re in a situation that it pertains directly to and I can tie it together nicely for them and say, SEEEE, this is why! For instance, when I told them I wasn’t very concerned about what Jeff’s or Brandon’s parents let them do as kids – I don’t have to answer for how Jeff or Brandon act - I have to answer to how YOU do! And when Jeff or Brandon are serving a detention…I’m redeemed! I needed them to pay attention to what THEY were doing, not everyone else and as adults, they finally got it. Whew!  Because they may not have figured out – that THEY, are MY legacy (and I'm right back to my dad telling us to ‘act like ya know something’).

There will be all sorts of things in life that will provide you with an opportunity to have regrets – admit when you screw up, recognize it happens – but don’t just sit in it. Take whatever it is and be grateful for the impact it had or lesson learned from it but keep moving and living. Relationships are a risk - not every relationship you give a try is going to be a winner – take whatever value or lesson it brought and accept it and move on to the next step God has in store for you. Not every friend will be with you every minute til the end (and some shouldn’t be), God has your plan, just take your steps with grace. It really doesn’t cost us anything to be a decent human being and I truly believe that Keegan lived his life this way. He was thoughtful of others and giving of his time and patient and understanding. People are not perfect; we ALL make mistakes all of the time and I think he exercised and experienced forgiveness pretty regularly. Forgiveness is an amazing tool and I think once we start to exercise it, it becomes easier to do.

One of the most impactful cards I received came from one of Keegan’s old teammates who wrote me about his memories of being the new kid on the soccer team and how Keegan made him feel welcome and included him from the beginning of his time here and their friendship grew from there. He saw Keegan’s kindness in action time and again and with some of the more difficult personalities, too and that, my friends – is the kind of thing I think Keegan wants you to think of when you think of him. Not regret. He doesn’t want you to be sorry for not texting, messaging or calling him – he wants you to remember the jokes and laughter, for sure. I think he would want us to let his love, laughter, patience and forgiveness be his legacy – and so his legacy it shall be for me and mine.

 

Intentionally Yours,

 

Crystal

 

 

 

 

   

Winning

I could have never guessed the loss of life or the amazing volume of love I would experience over the last year – a true lesson that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Today marks the first anniversary of our friend’s and family’s loss of my son's dear friend, Tommy, to suicide. I remember Keegan calling me crying, to tell me that Tommy took his own life. I remember the kick to my gut as I tried to slow down my car and pull over as I felt the air overcome me and escape as I screamed out. I remember trembling as my 2 year old kept asking me what was wrong and my loss for words as I just sat and cried with Keegan on the phone, consumed with loss. I remember the complete absence of words as I approached my dear friend, having not the slightest clue of what to say to her – but knowing that at her side is where I absolutely needed to be.

My boys have a lot of friends, but few are so intertwined with our entire family like Tommy is. Tommy and my son, Keegan – played soccer together. A lot of soccer. Tommy’s mom and I carpooled and became fast friends as we had both endured some pretty rough roads (hers, far more treacherous than mine) but shared a commonality in our complete devotion to our children. We could never have foreseen the paths we would be traveling together that had nothing to do with their soccer games.

These boys were both passionate about their game and having each other’s back. They always had a blast together. Countless sleepovers, out of town tournaments and family get-togethers…bonding, living, loving and always laughing. Every member of my family has a connection with every member of Tommy’s family and he was gone.  What. The. Hell.?! We had just celebrated Tommy’s graduation a few weeks beforehand and were working on his life’s Plan B – as we found out he was expecting his first child. Of course, that wasn’t Plan A, like I said – we were all pulling together and helping him work on his Plan B. He had backup. A lot of it. He had a huge support system and was great with kids, Tommy was going to be a great Dad. It would all be fine and work itself out as part of God’s plan. Trust. Believe. Support. Have Faith.

GONE.

Wait. WHAT?

How could he be gone? I JUST looked that young man in the face and told him I loved him – he knew I loved him. I know he loved me – and I am in a large crowd of people who can say the same. He knew we had his back. What on earth just happened here?! Depression happened here. Addiction happened here. Satan is what happened here.  John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Uhhh, Satan just has no idea who he is messing with (insert maniacal laugh here). Tommy’s parents are some of the strongest people I’ve ever met – in life and in their faith. It’s one of the many things we share in common and would become a tie that bound us together for the last year, so strongly held – a true sign of God’s grace.

Within days, there was a foundation created in Tommy’s honor and t-shirts present to spread the word. The loss of Tommy’s life would not be in vain – there would be a purpose (Satan could take his attack and shove it, thank you very much). And so began our journey to bring awareness to suicide prevention and mental illness. It’s been a very rewarding year of fundraising and tireless work from Tommy’s mom. She’s done interviews & speeches. There was a billboard featuring Tommy for Suicide Prevention month last September, she’s got a blog to share her journey (Each Breath of Faith) and she’s recently met with the spiritual leaders of our community to spread the word and present opportunities for them to support their congregations in their own battles of depression. She has been instrumental in implementing new grief support groups for suicide survivors. This woman is rocking it.

We’ve had baby showers and welcomed Tommy’s sweet, healthy and beautiful baby, Esperanza (Hope) into this world and Keegan was very instrumental in that. He had Tommy’s back (as always) and was supporting baby Esperanza’s mother and helping make sure she (and Baby ‘Espi’) had what they needed – and now, Keegan’s gone. Satan’s attack continues.

I look back at the multitude of soccer pictures over the years and I love to see the determination in these boys – the looks of, “I DARE YOU”, how you can see team mates in the background watching the other’s backs; on the ready - busy being their brother’s keeper. Such a tremendous lesson and treasured memories for these boys to have. And us.  I always found such great joy in watching them play a challenging team because they would inevitably fall behind a goal or two and you could see them (usually), mentally and physically dig in their heels and get to work. When you saw that happen – they couldn’t be beat. Teamwork came in and they did the hard work they knew had to be done – they fought hard and they earned their wins. On occasion, they were tired or being lazy and they gave in and lost – not such good times.

I know when I lost my dad I very much felt like I was being attacked and really had a connected moment of pulling myself up by the boot straps to show this world what he had instilled in me and to live my life as a reflection of the work he put into me, to show what I was made of and that is truly what has led my path for the last 20 years. It would have been really easy for me to give in, give up, make some bad choices (and excuses) like so many do – really easy. I wanted more for me; for my children – made hard decisions and took very difficult steps to get where I wanted to be. So did Tommy’s mom and I know she agrees - it was always worth it. Looking forward from where we stand now, I know this is how Tommy’s mom and I will get through our coming days until we are joined with our boys again. 1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Heels dug into our faith to march forward. Onward and upward – having each other’s back, just like our boys do; forevermore. 

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal

Present

One of our greatest fears when we lose someone close to us, is that they will be forgotten. I can tell you from losing my dad almost 20 years ago, that I carry him with me every day. I will never forget his hands or how he smiled. I’ll always remember his walk and how he made me feel like the luckiest little girl in the world –even when I was 20 years old. His favorite beer was Pabst and he used to love to eat sardines with my sister. He loved my grandmother’s pork roast with sauerkraut and dumplings (yes, boys, that is one of the reasons we eat this meal regularly). A slice of lemon merengue pie was a bit of heaven to him and he usually had a Frisbee in his truck to battle the boredom that ensued if he made my sister and I travel any length of time. My dad’s sense of humor was one of his trademarks and certainly, one of the things I carried on in my life and my boys carry on in theirs. His words of inspiration were, “Go for it!” and he parted ways with, “Catch ya all of a sudden!”. I frequently hear him reminding me to, ‘Act like ya know something!’. My brother looks like him, my sister jokes like him –my eldest son is built like him and Keegan laughed like him. My aunts and uncle remind me of him immensely and I suppose to some degree – I do to them (at least I hope so) – my dad is with me, every day of my life. If I had to narrow down the most prominent trait I took from my dad, I would have to say that when you see my passion for my children – you see my dad.

My son, Keegan, was definitely a unique combination of generous, kind hearted, funny, confident, a lover of children, animals and life. We are raised to embrace that we are all unique, but it is never as obvious as when you lose someone’s life. The boys used to say that Keegan was my favorite (in jest) and I tried to explain to them that they are ALL my favorites – each in their own way. They each bring such different, wonderful traits to the table – it would never be fair to compare them. We can find bits and pieces of Keegan here and there to give us sweet reminders, but the whole collection of everything that made him who he is – is gone. Anyone who knew him knows he couldn’t possibly be duplicated. Our current situation is to find out where we can keep him in a part of our every day. We will find things as we go, on how to include Keegan.  We will think of him when we have his favorite foods and in addition to the lemon pies I bring to family gatherings in remembrance of my dad, I will now make brownies to make sure I’ve got Keegan covered too. I’ve found places that use your dried flowers (from the service) to embed in jewelry beads for necklaces, rings and bracelets; necklaces and rings we can have engraved with his fingerprint and signature – which is no small feat.  Keegan wrote really small, so I enlarged his signature 186% for it to be usable.  Holy. Cow. But it turned out perfectly.

One of the most heartbreaking parts of losing Keegan is that he leaves a 3 year old brother and 2 year old niece behind – whom he adored. It's one thing to tell the older kids to take the dearest parts of Keegan to you - and incorporate them into your everyday life and you will have Keegan with you. It’s really hard to look at my youngest son and my granddaughter and wonder, how do we keep Keegan in their lives so they don’t forget him – so they always know how much he cherished them?  I joke that it’s surprising our youngest ever learned to walk since most of the pictures with Keegan have him being held on Keegan’s hip or carried on Keegan’s shoulders. There are so many more memories they should have with him; memories his dad and I should have with him. There is so much more time his brothers needed. I think it’s natural for me to sit and wonder if he’d had the opportunity to have his own child, what he/she would look like – would they have Keegan’s build, kind heart or sense of humor, his beautiful smile or broad shoulders? And then I have to stop– because I’m robbing myself of time when I do that. I’m essentially torturing myself because as I mentioned previously, that time – those things, were never promised to me. I had no right to those expectations, they were hopes and dreams that (hopefully) MOST of us will have an opportunity to enjoy – but not all – so I find I have to check myself. What I DO have, is the right to enjoy the memories I was given – all of the times he made us laugh, how he played along with his brother’s antics, and the antics he started himself (the child definitely knew how to start a ruckus). The wonderful times camping, the countless soccer practices, games, and tournaments - the years we contemplated joining the two events and just camping out at the soccer complex! As we go through our own processes of grief, we will find Keegan in so many ways we never even realized before. In the meantime, I take heed to Ecclesiastes 6:9  Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have.

So, what made Keegan so great; what would he want people to take from his example? He was giving and loving and smart and strong. He never showed up half-way….not on the soccer field and not for dinner. He enjoyed life – every bit of it and you knew this because he was so much fun to be around. If you saw Keegan stressed, something had gone terribly wrong. He very much lived in the moments of his life as they came, he didn’t hold grudges and wasn’t worried about plans that changed….it was always ‘all good’ to him and when he was there, he was there – engaged and yours. He was not the shy kid in the corner. Ever. Well - a new situation might cause him to take a few minutes to warm up, until he could find his entrance to make you laugh.

A couple of weeks after Keegan died, I sat down to update our family’s online calendar. Our schedule is often out of control, but this app is of great help to us. I needed to update appointments and enter in my younger son’s football schedule. The app provides a reminder tool, which I have sent out to the older kids so they are automatically reminded of games, etc. and I come across Keegan’s name and I stop.              

Umm – heyyy therrrre.         

Do I remove his name?

Is it going to bother the kids to see his name there?

Will it bother them to see his name NOT there?

What do I do?

How do I handle this?!

I left it there for a little while as I took care of everything else (I let the dilemma simmer there for a while) – and eventually decided Keegan’s name stays. Keegan is a part of our family and while his body is not physically here - he IS very much here with us, every day. He will be present at those football games as he often was, to cheer on his little brother and encourage him to play hard and have fun.

I took Keegan off to college 3 years ago in early August, he had to report early for soccer training but he called me on my birthday, we skyped – he was with me ‘in spirit’ we would say, right? This year, this was a tough one. There was a surprise ‘non’ birthday party thrown for me (I’m not really a fan of celebrating my birthday, per se, so my dear friend found a work around) and it was really wonderful – full of such great friends and lots of family. On the ride home, I started thinking about how tremendously lucky I am to have this wonderful life; I was sad that my little football player couldn’t make the party (practice just started –if you miss practice, you don’t get to play) and then of course, that Keegan was missing. Keegan’s never going to be there again…and just like that, in the midst of this profound gratitude - I’m overwhelmed with grief and trying not to sob and upset my little one in the back seat. My husband quietly reaches for my hand and squeezes and just holds it (God bless this husband of mine, in his quiet understanding of me). How can it possibly be that I don’t get to see my kid? Ever. Again.?!?!?! 

Part of leading an intentional life is to simply be present in the moments that are yours. This moment of grief was mine to feel and experience and then move from – but I have to feel it fully, so I can move from it. If I don’t – if I push it down and avoid it, it will grow and fester and come back stronger. I cannot sit in it and stay there, as much as I might like to sometimes. Sadly, I know there will be more moments like this to come, a lot of them.  Some will be worse and some won’t be as bad as this one – but I will need to get through them so I have room for the other moments God has planned for me – moments of happiness, joy, success, and laughter. I have to be mindful to stay focused on the positive things in life or I could very easily let Satan use this to sneak in – some way, somehow – to make me angry or bitter. Each of you will have your own moments and quite honestly – they don’t always come at the most convenient times. I’ve had to push some of mine down and wait for a few hours and I will purposefully bring myself back to it so I can experience it, get through it and bring myself back to God’s grace. Psalm 31:15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me.  This verse tells me that God knew we would struggle and that He would rather we turn that burden over to him so that we may get on to the task at hand. Living. Being present, so at the end of our lives we aren’t sitting here wondering what we did with our time. Did we use our lives for a positive influence, loving our enemies, showing forgiveness in our own lives and being faithful to God? Or did you spend your time avoiding, numbing and ignoring?  

I tend to be a tad bit of a control freak on a lot of things in my life – I find comfort in order and structure – but I will tell you what, any chance I have to turn something over to God to handle, I’m all over it. I have the utmost of faith that He has my back, always has – always will and I have NEVER been let down. I can readily admit that there are times I did not agree or understand, and sometimes I do get frustrated, but have found that it always comes full circle and sooner or later – it works itself out. People have made statements over and over to me on how difficult of a life I’ve had – but I have never felt anything but gratitude – even now. I don’t know why Keegan was taken from us so young, but I know it was in God’s plan and I know that in our grief, right now – God is with us, carrying through each of these moments; He is present – and so is Keegan.

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. My advice? Let him.

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal

 

 

 

 

Fishing

The purpose behind Intentionally Yours is to provide an intentional direction of healing toward God. For me, there’s just not an option – I need to heal, not only for myself, but for my children – my niece & nephews, my siblings - for Keegan’s friends and the families that are ours, by & beyond blood. Philippians 4:7 states, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – that sounds like exactly what I need! Someone to guard my heart and mind? Yes – that would be GRAND! I could sit at home trying to heal myself, by myself, and check in from time to time with everyone and hope for the best (for them and me), or I could make the choice to share with you where I’m at and how I’m ‘doing it’ – because many of you have expressed you don’t know how I can.  I was very much built to be a survivor, I didn’t have an easy childhood and I was a single mother to 2 boys by the time I was 22 – a year before I lost my dad. My dad was not only my primary parent & biggest supporter – truly an amazing example of selflessness. Before the age of 25 I had experienced some of the greatest loves and losses there are in life. Life has not been easy; but I have been greatly blessed. I will always be ok, until the one day I am not (and truly on that day, I’ll actually be better than ever to be joined with my savior). God didn’t take my life with Keegan’s, I am left here to live it and I don’t know about you – but I plan on showing my gratitude for this one, precious life that I was given - by putting forth the best effort I can & to encourage anyone I can to do so, too.

I don’t believe any of us are here by ‘accident’ – which means we have purpose – I feel this is part of mine. I was built to be pretty transparent (honest, genuine, real) – so I intend to be here for you, on purpose. I’m not sitting around waiting for time to pass by and then wonder what happened – I plan on using this time to be of use, somewhere – some way. I also know, as I’d mentioned before, we are not meant to do it alone – so I offer myself to each of you and the most honest account of my journey I can give you and hope like crazy, that it helps – in some way - if even only for one of you, in a small way. It is certainly not an option to curl up in a ball in the corner to pout, cry or be angry – not for me and hopefully, you make a different choice too. You may not be personally grieving right now - but chances are, someone you know is, sadly - and there may be a day you need some help and encouragement and my words will be here, hopefully helping.

I checked in with my 12 year old this week, to see if he’d read any of the blog. Of course he hadn’t, (even though I knew it was clogging up his FB feed) but what 12 year old reads on purpose on summer break? Considering part of my purpose here is to help him process his grief, I asked him to read Heart Broken and to make sure he asked me if he had questions. I followed up the next day and he’d read it – had no questions and I asked if he wanted to read Pass the Duct Tape and he said no – he didn’t want to be sad that day. I have to say, I was very impressed. Not because he’d read Heart Broken, and not because he had the guts to tell me no to reading Pass the Duct Tape, but because at 12 – he had a justifiable reason as to why he didn’t want to read something, in the interest of his own self-preservation. Wow. And he knows it’s there when he’s ready to. So, I asked what kind of things he’s thinking about, what’s he stumbling over – and he told me he keeps imagining the accident in his head.  An accident that none of us were present for, mind you.  Yikes. 

I did this myself for the first 2 weeks and it’s frustrating to not know what exactly happened. What we do know is this: dark, rainy, bad headlights and baldish tires, angry and no seatbelt in his ‘supercharged’ car. The investigator found brake marks and evidence of the car rolling over. The coroner cited fractured skull, broken neck and two broken wrists and that he would not have been in pain, he would have died instantly. Welllll – gooood?  I guess that’s something to be grateful for??? I saw my son’s ‘skull fracture’, I’m certain he did not suffer. Plus, Keegan, up until….well – THIS – had the most ridiculous good luck I’ve ever seen (something else he clearly got from his Dad because I have next to none).   I would be willing to place a pretty hefty bet to say at some point in the last few seconds of his life, the words, “God, Jesus and Mother” came from his mouth – and not necessarily in a way that would make his Dad and I proud. He knew enough to know he’d messed up, BIG and there wasn’t going to be any negotiating out of this one.  I am sure there was fear, panic, and regret – feelings Keegan was completely unfamiliar with. He was very confident, calm and lived in the moment. YOLO!! (he used to say it allll the time) Part of me is very sad that I wasn’t there for him to help him manage those feelings – any mother wants to help guide their child through unchartered territory, especially such difficult feelings to handle and then it kind of makes me happy in a way, that he was able to spend all 21 years of his life, absent of those feelings until the last few seconds. That’s where my luck lies, in my children. 

 It can be really bothersome when I think of other car accidents that were rollovers or where someone hit a tree – why did that person get to live? Why couldn’t Keegan be allowed to survive? If he would’ve worn his seatbelt or had decent tires – would he have lived then? If he had lived, would he have been the same? (NO, he would never have been the same – of that, I am sure, not physically, psychologically or emotionally). Was there something I could’ve done to change the outcome of this in any way? (the answer is NO, by the way – God’s will, remember?) It’s not our place to understand all of the what-fors and why-nots, it’s our place to trust His plan and make the best of the roles He has placed us in. We don't have to like it, we just have to live with it (this phrase is very familiar to my children).

Keegan was a great negotiator.  He’d be grounded and have someplace he wanted to go and beg me, ‘Just let me go for 3 hours and I will take 3 more days of grounding – a day for every hour, Mom – pleeeeease???’. Well, he’s still serving his time, right?  I was running my family – not a prison and I wasn’t trying to wreck his life, I was trying to help him build one.  I would take that negotiation because the point was made, I felt. He knew he’d made the mistake and that there were repercussions, as long as the lesson was learned….and it was. Going back to the trait of his that he would rather ask for forgiveness than for permission?  Yeah, he knew there were consequences and sometimes, he was more than willing to pay the price or serve the grounding. The thing is, that he was also one of those kids you could give an inch and he’d take a mile – or maybe two, so there were a few occasions where I’d just have to be extra firm and get him reeled back in before he got too far out of control. There is not a big enough fishing pole to reel him in this time, but I can reel myself in – and his brothers.

There is nothing that any of us could have done that day. Keegan knew he had no business out on that road, in that car, going as fast as he was – and still he went. I’m sure that THIS was not his intent, however -but there is nothing any of us can do to change it. We can fish around for the rest of our days looking for some little factor to the day we might’ve been able to somehow change, it’s not going to bring him back; it doesn’t change the outcome. The woulda/coulda/shoulda’s of this life, rob us of time that we could be doing something actual in our lives – like really going fishing with Grandpa and intentionally making some positive memories instead of dwelling on bad ones.

Yours,

Crystal

Duct Tape

I’m ok. Surrrrre. You betchya.

I’m one of those people who will ask how you are and genuinely wants an answer – I may not slow down for the answer as I’m walking by, but I will turn my head to wait for the response and backtrack if I don’t get one. I’m guilty of telling you I’m great when I’m not and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be more than ok again – or if I even want to be. I can muster up a smile for you and will enjoy a conversation and the company of my family and friends, but my anxiety is high. I know that’s of no surprise to anyone, but I don’t know how to fix it – any of it.  That’s not really how I work.  I always fix it – if I can’t fix it, I know someone who can or it probably shouldn’t be fixed. I am pretty creative with my hot glue, ribbon and the occasional duct tape work but the impact here – is against an innocent family. MY FAMILY. My children just had their brother ripped from them and quite honestly, part of me is really pissed off!  At no one.  I have nobody to be angry at. I am a red-headed Leo – I can always find someone to blame and can usually justify why they did it, too. 

Not this time.

Building a family is hard work. There’s a lot of teaching and mistakes and forgiveness. We have all built our lives around this precious part of our family (we are ALL precious to our families – know your worth) and we just don’t get any more hugs or kisses from him? He’s not going to chase his little brother around to tickle him mercilessly or challenge his big brother in basketball? He won’t dance with his niece again or be at his brother’s weddings (when those days come)?  I spent a lot of time growing and birthing those wide shoulders – and now he won’t be there for his siblings to lean on when his dad and I pass on?  This is a ridiculous rip off! No more help cooking, no more begging for green bean casserole or brownies – no more camping trips?  But he’s the only one who builds the fire the way I like it!!! Please, God – I will make him biscuits and gravy until he can’t eat another bite and he can snitch all of the sausage out of sausage and potatoes that he wants!  Give him back! Pleeeeeeeease????? How is he gone at 21?!?!

Because time is not owed to anyone. God did not owe me Keegan, he blessed me with him. I am honored to have 4 beautiful boys that I get to call mine and if anything – I owed it to God to care for him to my greatest ability for every minute of his life. If you know me – you know I did. My life is completely built around caring for my children, setting an example (not that it’s a flawless one, by any means) – but I am completely and totally, intentionally theirs. And all my anger is simply wasted energy. I am literally wearing myself out trying find someone or something to blame. Just pass me the duct tape so I can try to piece my family back together. Except, the tape won’t stick through our tears.

As a whole, God has really taken care of our family over the years and placed a lot of tremendous people in our lives for us to love and to love us, perfectly. From the family I have been so incredibly blessed with, to the people I was raised with, to friendships only a few months old – we have been held so tightly through all of this, there is no way for us to fall. In faith, family and friendship – we are loved.

We had 4 (steady) hours of visitation before the service for Keegan – it was beautiful and it was overwhelming. The seats were full with people standing across the back and in the aisles as I gave my second-ever attempt at public speaking and the longest procession to the cemetery one of the employees claims he’s seen in the 6 years he’s worked there.  Keegan was smart and funny and loved. A lot.  The pall bearers were some of Keegan’s closest soccer team mates who wore their jerseys to accompany him out for the last time and one of the most powerful things I remember through this whole experience was as I filed in behind those jerseys (as I had countless times over the years), following all of these boys I had the pleasure of watching grow into men….I walked as a grieving mother, head down, shoulders hunched in a form of woman who had been beaten and about 1/3 of the way down the aisle, I could feel myself being set back up straight, shoulders back – chin up….as I have told my children countless times through the trials of their lives.  I took a deep breath, accepted that I was literally being carried through that moment and kept on walking. I didn’t consciously change my posture, (I surely didn’t have the strength, I was exhausted) - it was done for me. I had been shifted back into an upright position without being touched as if to say, “This will not beat you.” even though I very much felt it had. There were so many things I accomplished that day that can only be explained as the grace of God carrying me through – seeing my son for the last time on this earth, walking up to the podium to speak to a packed house, following my son out with his team for the last time and walking away from him in the cemetery.  I didn’t want to leave him – that’s not how it’s supposed to work; a mother doesn’t leave her child. I was ok to be beaten by this – this is my son, whom I adored and he was taken from me in a cheap and dirty way, as far as I’m concerned. And then I began thinking in the following days and weeks of who is to blame – who’s winning from my loss? I grabbed my duct tape to mend this busted and broken heart and got to work, praying and writing and praying some more.

Satan is the cause of death and misery in the world and he will NOT be winning any battles on me.  OH, no no no no no no! My little red-headed Leo temper is out – I am made of SO much more than that. GAME ON, Satan. (Ephesians 6:10-13 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.). I have experienced enough grief in my life to know a few things about getting through it & of course I’m going to share it with you now (what would be the point if I didn’t?). 

·       You have to feel it and process it or else it builds until you finally explode in one way or another – no matter how that goes down, it doesn’t end well. Do yourself the favor and feel it as it comes. I cry in the car, I cry making dinner, I cry in the bathroom, I cry sometimes even in the middle of a conversation (bothers you way more than me – I earned those tears, as far as I’m concerned). Sometimes I yell (alone) and sometimes I’m just crabby – I’m honest about it and forewarn people – it’s a part of my process, tomorrow is a new day and most likely, it will be better.

·       My son very much lives on.  In me, in his brothers, his friends – in so many loved ones he left behind. It is our charge, to find all of the amazing ways he left his mark. His sense of adventure and humor are in his brothers and friends, his smile I’ve been told – is from me, but I will tell you all day long he is the spitting (blonde) image of his daddy, his gentle and kind spirit is found in his cousins and his work ethic and dedication are easily shared and found with his team mates. 

·       Remembering your loved ones care for you is key.  I know my son does not want my story to end, my life to stop. I was scheduled to participate in a 5k the weekend after his service.  Five days after we laid his body to rest, I was supposed to go with my ‘Team Brave’ girls and I honestly did not feel like it and they knew it, but when I began contemplating whether or not to go, all I heard was Keegan saying, “Mom, I do not want to hear it – get your butt out there and get it done.” – so, of course I did. Going back to the incredible people God has placed in my life, these girls are so supportive of me and my journey in Christ and we talked about lots of other things, not just Keegan and loss and it helped. Tremendously. 

Healing doesn’t just come in and silently fix everything and leave you a brilliant ray of sunshine. You have to do some work. You have to realize its ok and to make the choice to heal, intentionally. Our loved ones are not upset to see us healing and loving and being happy again – if anything, that is their wish for us! 

Grab your duct tape and get to work.

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal

 

Beloved God, today I pray that you help us understand that your love for us is greater than anything we can imagine (Ephesians 1:4 "Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.") and that through you, we will find the strength to carry on as Mary did when she had to witness the torture and endure the loss of her son, Jesus. I pray you help us turn over our trials and tribulations to you so that we may be free to focus on living more like Jesus; forfeiting greed, conceit & judgement and trusting you will help us become more giving people to mankind - sharing love, patience, and forgiveness and I pray that you help us find comfort in the armor you so readily provide us - we just have to gear up to have protection in this world. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen