Right Hand Man

We have all been struggling to work through our grief as the holidays neared and my eldest son is certainly no exception. He pleasantly surprised me today, as he had written something he wanted to share with everyone on how he's coping and managing to bring some progress to his grief and perspective. I am proud that he was brave enough to put all of this into words, honored that he asked to share it here and privileged - that this young man, calls me 'Mom'.

As Christmas has drawn closer and closer, the holidays have been increasingly different than any other years I have experienced. Holidays, of course, are usually always filled with food, family, fun, and gifts each year for us. This year has felt empty and hollow compared to years past. I know a majority, if not all of it stems from Keegan not being here with us physically. It's put me in a slump the last month or so that has been hard to get out of, filled with many emotions. I have been in a so called "hibernation mode" lately where I have not gone and done much, talked to many people, or really done anything at all. I have done a lot of sitting at home in quietness and kept to myself, and I have been okay with that honestly. That all came to an end after this past weekend.

A few months ago I created a plan that I wanted to go out and complete every goal or dream that Keegan and I ever had together. The top three things were easy to come up with (in no specific order):

1. Watch an Ohio State game in Columbus, OH

2. Go mountain climbing in Colorado

3. Watch a Tech N9ne concert in his hometown of Kansas City, MO

This past weekend my dad, a good group of our friends, and myself went to complete one goal off this list.... See Tech N9ne in Kansas City. To most this would be kind of "whatever". Fair enough, Tech N9ne is not everyone's flavor of music. To us, this was about to be the best weekend ever. Let me tell you, mission accomplished. We jammed out at that concert like never before. With quick little moments of putting our fist in the middle with our wristbands that have "KMM 7-7-15" on them to reminded one another he was there jamming with us. For the first time in a while, I felt alive. Everything was okay. He was not there with us physically but I knew darn well he was there with us enjoying it just as much as we were. No sadness. No tears. There was happiness and I knew we completed a mission that before, I wasn't sure would ever be completed. But we did it! I felt I was finally out of my slump.

Returning home was one of the most sobering and downing moments. How do I go back to regular life after such a spectacular weekend? Even the Monday afterwards, I could not focus at work, just enamored from the weekend. And Monday night felt like I was falling back into a slump again as reality set back in more and more. I wanted to easily go back to "hibernation mode". But I did not want to allow it. I realized, it was being in the moments Keegan would be there for and living it like he was there physically like we all did at that show, that made it special and enjoyable. It felt as if I am still making memories with my brother. Maybe instead of being upset that he's not there for every moment with me anymore, start enjoying the moments he would normally be there for, as if he was there?

I carried this thought into Tuesday as we put up the Christmas tree at my house. No, Keegan was not going to be there but we still went about as if he was. His stocking and ornaments all hung up with the rest. I still put the lights on in the most disastrous way like I did last year that he harassed me so much for. I laughed while doing so, knowing he is just shaking his head that I was making it all more difficult than needed. Thats how we rolled. Keegan 'Mr. Simplistic' and I 'Mr. Complicated'. It made it much easier just going about it as if he we there though. To me now, Kansas City was not just about completing a life goal of ours. It was a reminder to continue to do things as if he is right by my side. How can I have a huge tattoo on my right arm with a quote of him being my right hand man, but not going about as if he is still right beside me?! I know he still right beside me. So now I am refusing to be in slumps because he is not here. I'm learning to keep going as if he is still standing there doing things with me. So let's enjoy the holidays. And Mom, get the green bean casserole ready. We're hungry.

Now excuse me, as I go drink a baja blast (Keegan's favorite pop), and go play some NBA 2K to beat the Portland Trailblazers (Keegan's team he uses) & give dirty looks for every pump fake to a mid range jump shot that is made. ✌