Walking Away From July

So, I feel like I’m kind of ‘stuck’ in my grieving process. I’m not overwhelmed, I’m maybe underwhelmed – really. I get up and go to work every day – I always have, so I’m definitely not ‘wallowing’ in my grief. I went to football games and go to soccer practices, I’m working on my 10,000 steps a day and trying to watch what I eat (to work on getting rid of this weight I’ve put on over the last 2 years) and am staying social, going to church and praying hard – I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing and still feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m trying to find some easing to my pain in various ways – prayer, essential oils, meditation and exercise. As I mentioned, I am on a mission to lose some weight I put on when I quit smoking a couple of years ago and eventually – I’ll get there.  Even if I don’t – I’d rather be heavy than have black lung and that horrid cough – but through the course of my attempts at losing weight, I’ve realized that I am just not built to run. I don’t know if my short little 5’2” legs just don’t give me enough of a stride to make it worth it, or if I really wrecked my lungs and will never have that kind of capacity again – the list goes on and on as to the different issues I’ve come up against. Not a runner – it’s ok, I’ll deal with it. I can walk just fine, so walking is what I’ll do. Walk, walk, walk. Yay.(…..aaaaaand, he kept on walking…..joke to my kids from Early Bird on Sesame Street)

I am angered to see that Satan is attacking my family in our grief; as if the loss of Keegan isn’t enough to try to manage, seeing people I love battling depression is absolutely heartbreaking. Of course depression is a common result after such a loss, and while we are growing closer to God as a family, I shouldn’t be surprised in the least that Satan would continue to try to beat us down – it’s pretty much what he does, right? So, I’m going to share some of the most important things that I’ve learned in the course of my life and getting through trials and tribulations in the event that you might be battling some things too.

1.       Drugs and alcohol cause more trouble than they’re worth. They don’t fix anything, they ‘mask’ things and make you forget about them temporarily, but your problems don’t go away – if anything, they compound your problems, so don’t allow them to control any decisions you make. Really, like – not even so much as determining when you’re bladder is full (drunken stupor anyone?). This is also a control thing for me – I once saw it written that when writing the book of your life, do not hand someone else the pen. I feel that’s what drugs and alcohol do – they really do write your story for you and they don’t have high expectations for you. Don’t give away that power to anyone or anything.

2.       Ignoring the problem, also doesn’t make it go away. Recognize it, accept it and make positive decisions to correct it. Staying in bed, doesn’t make Keegan come back, doesn’t make me feel better about life and doesn’t make me a better mother, wife or friend. Getting out of bed helps anything that can be helped in this situation, so LET’S. DO. THAT. And that's pretty much how I go about making the continual choices in my grieving.

3.       Did you know that, “…fear not…” is in the bible 365 times? That’s an occurrence for every single day of the year. As my feet hit the floor getting out of bed each morning – FEAR NOT, what Satan has in store to tear my life apart – because *I* have the love of Jesus!  Eat my dust, Satan - catch my drift? Anyone know Tora Tora? I’m putting on my walking shoes – I tell ya baby I’m leaving you….

4.       So, if you’ve never met me – I tend to be a little stubborn and persistent. I don’t back down and I don’t run away. On occasion, these have been made out to be negative traits – but I’ll tell ya what….I really do choose my battles, and don’t sugarcoat much. My point is that after my feet hit the floor and I remind myself to FEAR NOT every day, I take my steps as they come and sometimes, it’s pretty hard. I utilize every ounce of my stubbornness and persistence some days – just to get one foot past the other. I know that God knew what he was doing when he put me together because he knew that my strong personality would be far more important than long legs or a tan. Taking my strengths and put them to work for me!

So, now what? I feel like I’m still doing it wrong – and I know that I can’t. I remember grieving for my dad and having this conversation with my aunt about 5 years after he’d died – I can’t do it wrong, and neither can you - we all grieve differently. I’m beginning to realize that even how I grieved for my dad, and my mom – were different and how I’m grieving for Keegan – is different than that. We got together for a family event a few weeks ago and I took pictures of my boys – absent of Keegan. It’s so weird to look at just the 3 of them – and for as grateful as I am for each of them and adore them for their individual greatness – Keegan’s definitely missing. He would’ve smuggled the pumpkin pie out of the house that day and eaten the hot dogs right off the grill. We’ve had a few different events in the last few months and I remember standing there with my family and feeling like we’re missing someone. Now, let me just explain – that it’s nothing for our family to ACTUALLY FORGET to invite people to things. There have been birthday parties, baby showers – where not everyone actually received an invite that should have. I’ve been notified of births via Facebook on more than one occasion. People go in and out of the hospital and not everyone’s always told – we are TERRIBLE at communicating (and we all live within 30 minutes of each other). So, when we’re standing there thinking we’re missing someone, we are literally going through our mental checklists in a panic thinking we've screwed up somewhere and then we realize….we ARE missing someone, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Damn. And then I wonder if a family get together will ever feel whole again? Part of me says no, and I don’t want them to be – but part of me also feels like we’ll need to find a new normal – at some point.  I’d be cool with just not having an emotional breakdown after each one; really. So, what I’ve determined happens is this. We go to an event – have fun, love our family – love our friends, everything is great and wonderful and my life is amazing, right? It really is! I couldn’t be more grateful and then a short while afterward – BAM! I think about Keegan and what he would’ve done, said, etc. at the event and I’m an instant mess. Because as wonderful as the event was – Keegan would have brought his own twist of fun and humor to it – because that’s what he did. He made everything better. So, again I ask – now what?

For starters, I can’t help but feel that the further we get away from last July, the easier things will get (time heals all wounds, right?) – but that doesn’t seem to be the case. It feels like there are constantly new obstacles to overcome and Satan wants to battle on and on – mercilessly. Some days are so hard to think about the fact that Keegan is not coming back – he’s not walking in the door again. He’s not coming for dinner, he’s not going to give me another hug and kiss and I am heartbroken all over again. I have replayed an ‘accident’ I can only imagine, time and time again. I can’t even help it – I’ve tried to stop it; I can’t. But I have to keep trying. It’s absurd to me that I wasn’t even in the accident, but I have imagined every inch of it and in some ways, those of us grieving Keegan are walking away from the very accident he was unable to. It doesn't mean we aren't carrying him with us every step of the way, because I will have him with me ALWAYS.

I may stumble, I may fall, my eyes may be stinging and blurred from my tears – but much like that day leaving the church, I will blindly keep putting one foot in front of the other with whatever ounce of strength God gives me. Some days I have so much conflict going on and feel like I’m fighting left and right – I’m exhausted but my persistence doesn’t allow me to stop. I will do what it takes to get through this because I trust that there’s a reason God left me here. You better believe I will keep on walking - away from July.