Story Teller

I’ve been dreading this day for weeks and it’s finally here. Today marks Keegan’s 22^nd birthday. Part of me didn’t even really want to be coherent for this day, I kind of wanted to stay in bed for just this one day and see how it goes. I’ve been strong for almost 4 months…I’ve ‘earned’ a day in bed to mope and pout and be sad, right? Well – part of me also knows that if I do it once, I might like it and will want to do it again and then it might become a habit and who needs that? Sounds like just opening the door for depression and welcoming it right in. No thanks – I’ve got other things to do! In an effort to keep myself (or any of our children) from doing just that – my ever supportive husband agreed to a weekend family trip out of town. We made a very intentional plan to enjoy life on a day that what would otherwise be a horribly painful reminder of what we are all missing.

After being up all night scrubbing my floor and cleaning my apartment in Rockton, 22 years ago today, I loaded my eldest son in the car at 5:30 am and I drove us to the hospital in labor with what would become one of the easiest labors and one of most enjoyable children to raise, ever. Keegan’s dad would meet us there and nobody realized at that point, that Keegan – well, being Keegan – wasn’t really worried about anyone else’s idea of time. He didn't care if anyone was ready for him, it was time for him to show up and shine! And so he did - for all of his life. It was roughly a 40 minute drive to the hospital – I did have to pull over a few times – and everyone at the hospital was more concerned about the 22 month old I had in tow, than the emerging child I was actually there to deliver. I can’t totally blame them, my oldest really is quite a subtle sort of attention getter and completely adorable with his charming smile and sweet dimples and all.  I remember changing into my gown and then BLAM, my oldest son was swept down to the nursery by some of the nurses until his dad got there and just like THAT Keegan was here! It was 6:44 am.  In roughly an hour and 10 minutes, we drove to the hospital, checked in, changed and delivered! We are nothing, if not efficient. 

Clearly, one of the ways I’m coping with the loss of my son is through my faith. One of the tools I use is music and there was a song I heard several weeks ago that I couldn’t even stand. It’s called Storyteller by Morgan Harper Nichols…..and when I first heard it, I was thinking of storyteller as someone who expands the truth a little – you know, the fisherman who had the fish who grows in size every time he tells the story of the one that got away? So, since I’m not one much for drama and I really am quite the advocate to ‘say what you mean and mean what you say’, I disliked the song immediately and changed the channel. Luckily, they played the song again. And again. And it has become my anthem, of sorts, in the following weeks. The song is about how God was with her through the highs and lows of her life and that her faithful perspective was really her story to tell. There’s a part of the verse that goes, “That’s the story I’ll tell” – and that’s the part I didn’t like, as if she was making up the part about God being with her through various things and then it struck me. It’s not that she’s making it up – that’s her perspective and what she’s choosing to focus on! Not everyone can see His love through their dark times, it’s a choice we make – over and over. When you tell your story - are you focusing on all of the bad things? We ALL have bad things in our life - is that what your attention is left to - I refer to it as being a victim of your own life. Or is your story on how you persevered and succeeded BEYOND those bad things - in spite of them? 

Have you ever met siblings that are just complete polar opposites? I always found it very interesting that my sister and I were raised by the same man, in the same house, with a lot of the same experiences and support system and we have made very different choices, decisions and lives for ourselves. There are many, many theories out there on birth order, astrology, are you the child of an alcoholic, etc – but they all seem to center around perspective; how are different things perceived and interpreted? Do you walk around this world as a giver or a taker? Do you feel you owe or are owed? Are you entitled or have you honestly earned? Who and/or what decides your success?

My grandmother was one of the most faithful, grateful, strong and generous women I have ever known. Such a tremendous example for us - this woman knew how to cherish a pile of poo – because don’t YOU know, that that pile will be used to fertilize a bush that will bear fruit to nourish our bodies? I am not story telling here – that is how her mind worked – there is always SOMETHING to be grateful for. You only have $5 in your pocket? Well, aren’t you thankful that you have a pocket to hold it in and 2 good hands in which to earn more so you can give what you have to someone in need who is unable to care for themself? Some people actually have the perception that this would make her weak or naïve but you know what I’ve found? It’s a lot of work to be in a constant state of giving. What can I do, where can I give, who can I help? A lot of work, but of tremendous reward. I’ve also learned that the greatest reward, is sometimes just that our generosity is between us and God. If you do good things for the recognition, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. Of course, manners are wonderful and you hope people would express some gratitude but doing good should be about doing what’s right, not because you’re looking for some big pat on the back. Even greater, is to give to those who can never repay you and/or don’t even know WHO to repay – that’s fun, huh?

Our family met at the cemetery this morning to gather in support of each other as we embark on this day which would normally be of celebration and is now a day that is just a blatant reminder of a life we are all missing. My ‘story’ is to be grateful for the time we had with Keegan, honored to be his parents and family, and know that although he is gone this year – he is very much with us. I miss him terribly and know that in many ways I feel, my children feel, Keegan’s dad, grandparents or friends feel – that they are alone in their grief, because we are all missing him differently. My point to them all this morning (and as a reminder to myself) is that we are NOT alone. We are very much in this together and we can certainly CHOOSE to stand in our grief alone and miserable and without support. Or we can accept the love that surrounds us and the grace and support of our savior to help carry us through this (and any other trial and tribulations). The choice is ours, really. What’s going to be your perception, your stance, your story? I don’t get a say for you – but mine? I hope mine is one worth telling.

 

Intentionally Yours,

 

Crystal