"I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares your will for me”
Pretty powerful, huh? It is for me – that’s for sure. This is from a song by Jeremy Camp that reminds me of Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen and similarly John 20:29 Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”. There’s been plenty of times I don’t feel that I ‘see’ what God’s will is for me…the days following Keegan’s death are pretty hazy. I was completely dazed and confused – trying to cover every base I could, searching desperately for the purpose, the sense in it all. I still don’t have that and I may not, ever.
In going through the process of my grief and trying to put all of my feelings in their nice little compartments (just being honest - I don't really know why I do it, but I'm sure some of my friends and family can tell me :)), I'm realizing that a big part of my pain is that I don’t have Keegan’s ‘person’ to go to for a hug or kiss or to see him walk in my door again or share a funny story I think he’d like. Physically, I want to see my son’s face, to hug him and kiss him. It’s insanely painful emotionally and physically, for me to think that I don’t get to do those things again. While it makes me smile to think about how he would react to a situation…there’s always the underlying feeling that he SHOULD be here to do it. I shouldn’t have to be thinking about what he WOULD do – I should be able to watch him doing it. We participated in an American Heart Walk last weekend and it rained. A lot. We were soaked toward the end and my oldest son kind of ran off and ditched us to get to his car – which was fine, the walk was pretty early on a Sunday and he’d had a long day of helping his friend move the day before so he was not at 100%. I couldn’t help but laugh though, that Keegan would have likely run the walk and then ran back to us again and kept running, in the rain – teasing all of us, because he played soccer in the rain for years. He loved it. He would get annoyed when teams would cancel practices or games because of the rain because he was always ready to roll (club soccer only cancels for lightning and we’ve literally spent hours waiting for clearance to finish a game) and something about soccer being more fun in the rain…maybe the slide tackles (to my soccer moms – oh, yes – can we please wear the white shorts that day too?!?!)? He’s not here, though – he wasn’t at breakfast afterward to help me stack the plates at the restaurant (we don’t leave the table a mess) and he won’t be at dinner on Thursday – or Sunday – or any day. I’m just standing here with all of this love for him and no body to direct it to. I can’t call him or text him – he left me here, abandoned. I’ve spent a great deal of time, money and energy feeding, teaching, loving and building this child into a man and he’s just gone? I'm really clear on the fact he was not authorized by myself or his dad for his trip outta here without us....and yet, here we are.
Even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares your will for me”
Pretty powerful, huh? It is for me – that’s for sure. This is from a song by Jeremy Camp that reminds me of Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen and similarly John 20:29 Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”. There’s been plenty of times I don’t feel that I ‘see’ what God’s will is for me…the days following Keegan’s death are pretty hazy. I was completely dazed and confused – trying to cover every base I could, searching desperately for the purpose, the sense in it all. I still don’t have that and I may not, ever.
In going through the process of my grief and trying to put all of my feelings in their nice little compartments (just being honest - I don't really know why I do it, but I'm sure some of my friends and family can tell me :)), I'm realizing that a big part of my pain is that I don’t have Keegan’s ‘person’ to go to for a hug or kiss or to see him walk in my door again or share a funny story I think he’d like. Physically, I want to see my son’s face, to hug him and kiss him. It’s insanely painful emotionally and physically, for me to think that I don’t get to do those things again. While it makes me smile to think about how he would react to a situation…there’s always the underlying feeling that he SHOULD be here to do it. I shouldn’t have to be thinking about what he WOULD do – I should be able to watch him doing it. We participated in an American Heart Walk last weekend and it rained. A lot. We were soaked toward the end and my oldest son kind of ran off and ditched us to get to his car – which was fine, the walk was pretty early on a Sunday and he’d had a long day of helping his friend move the day before so he was not at 100%. I couldn’t help but laugh though, that Keegan would have likely run the walk and then ran back to us again and kept running, in the rain – teasing all of us, because he played soccer in the rain for years. He loved it. He would get annoyed when teams would cancel practices or games because of the rain because he was always ready to roll (club soccer only cancels for lightning and we’ve literally spent hours waiting for clearance to finish a game) and something about soccer being more fun in the rain…maybe the slide tackles (to my soccer moms – oh, yes – can we please wear the white shorts that day too?!?!)? He’s not here, though – he wasn’t at breakfast afterward to help me stack the plates at the restaurant (we don’t leave the table a mess) and he won’t be at dinner on Thursday – or Sunday – or any day. I’m just standing here with all of this love for him and no body to direct it to. I can’t call him or text him – he left me here, abandoned. I’ve spent a great deal of time, money and energy feeding, teaching, loving and building this child into a man and he’s just gone? I'm really clear on the fact he was not authorized by myself or his dad for his trip outta here without us....and yet, here we are.
Oh. Wait.
Our creator, the Father of all – has a plan, too. Bigger and better than anything our measly minds can fathom. A plan for Keegan, his brothers & sisters, me and Keegan’s dad….all of us who were left behind. I don’t know the plan and right now, I don’t really like the plan – but much like I tell my own kids, I guess I don’t really have to – because in all reality, I’m not in charge (ssshhh – don’t tell my kids), God is. I ask him to be – every day. I ask him to lead and support me and you know what, he never fails me and it makes my days a whole lot easier.
One of the most beautiful parts of having faith, is that it’s unseen. I have faith – I’m definitely a believer in God, Jesus – the Holy Spirit – I’m all over it, I pray regularly and know I’ve made it through many a chapter in the book of my life only through God’s grace, but I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that after we lost Tommy (one of my son’s best friends & his mother is one of my best friends) last August – I was quickly intimidated. Tommy’s parents are STRONG in their faith and I really felt like my faith didn’t hold a candle to theirs and I couldn’t possibly be of much help to her…I mean, I feel like I’m a good person, but I’m simply not THAT good or that strong in my faith to support her. I felt terrible and completely inadequate.
ORRRRR
I could “walk by faith” (or stumble through, as my case was) – because even though I couldn’t see how, I could feel that I needed to be there for her, beyond the fact that we were both missing her son terribly! And then I realized she didn’t need me to really be spiritually strong for her – she needed me to just help her miss her son. I can do that! I miss him SO. I adore Tommy and can listen to stories of him all day and have some good ones of my own. I made the choice to let God stretch me in whatever capacity he could and of course, he moved me! I needed to do whatever I could to make any moment easier for her that I could. I didn’t need large events, you’ll notice – any small moment would work for me. Something to lighten her load in the slightest bit. I have no idea how many times I asked her what I could do for her and just kept telling her – I don’t know what it is…but God has me here with you for a reason. What an incredible year of growth for me spiritually and in our friendship it’s been. All due to a faith I can’t see. You know what else I can’t see? Keegan. I can’t see my son anymore, but I know he did not abandon me. I have to transition my love that I can see – in his face and life, into a spiritual one – similar to one I have with my creator and savior. It will take time, but I’ll get there.
Another beautiful part of having faith, is it’s light to carry. If you’ve ever held or carried a grudge…it’s heavy, isn’t it? It's heavy and ugly. It’s so much easier to carry faith, which allows for forgiveness and understanding – than it is to lug around anger and resentment. Not only is faith light to carry with you everywhere, it allows you to pass any other burdens you have off to it, too. It definitely makes our journey much easier that way.
The roads on our journey are not always smooth. There are some that are not only broken – but are downright unpaved and jagged. We trip, stumble, and fall; all are a part of the journey preparing his will for us. I don’t necessarily know what God’s will is for me – but I know that instead of sitting here feeling abandoned by my loved one – that I will work toward a different relationship with him and I will be far more healthy to instead choose to abandon my questions and doubt so I am free to move where God needs me next. My concerns, confusion, sadness and grief don’t change what’s happened to my son or the life I’m left to live without him – but I’m definitely not going to allow it to change my path back to him (Satan can keep moving along when looking for his next victim - I am not his girl). I may have a jagged path, but I will gladly crawl my way out of here on God’s terms; at least I know what’s waiting on the other side. 1 John 5:13: I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life.
Intentionally Yours,
Crystal
Our creator, the Father of all – has a plan, too. Bigger and better than anything our measly minds can fathom. A plan for Keegan, his brothers & sisters, me and Keegan’s dad….all of us who were left behind. I don’t know the plan and right now, I don’t really like the plan – but much like I tell my own kids, I guess I don’t really have to – because in all reality, I’m not in charge (ssshhh – don’t tell my kids), God is. I ask him to be – every day. I ask him to lead and support me and you know what, he never fails me and it makes my days a whole lot easier.
One of the most beautiful parts of having faith, is that it’s unseen. I have faith – I’m definitely a believer in God, Jesus – the Holy Spirit – I’m all over it, I pray regularly and know I’ve made it through many a chapter in the book of my life only through God’s grace, but I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that after we lost Tommy (one of my son’s best friends & his mother is one of my best friends) last August – I was quickly intimidated. Tommy’s parents are STRONG in their faith and I really felt like my faith didn’t hold a candle to theirs and I couldn’t possibly be of much help to her…I mean, I feel like I’m a good person, but I’m simply not THAT good or that strong in my faith to support her. I felt terrible and completely inadequate.
ORRRRR
I could “walk by faith” (or stumble through, as my case was) – because even though I couldn’t see how, I could feel that I needed to be there for her, beyond the fact that we were both missing her son terribly! And then I realized she didn’t need me to really be spiritually strong for her – she needed me to just help her miss her son. I can do that! I miss him SO. I adore Tommy and can listen to stories of him all day and have some good ones of my own. I made the choice to let God stretch me in whatever capacity he could and of course, he moved me! I needed to do whatever I could to make any moment easier for her that I could. I didn’t need large events, you’ll notice – any small moment would work for me. Something to lighten her load in the slightest bit. I have no idea how many times I asked her what I could do for her and just kept telling her – I don’t know what it is…but God has me here with you for a reason. What an incredible year of growth for me spiritually and in our friendship it’s been. All due to a faith I can’t see. You know what else I can’t see? Keegan. I can’t see my son anymore, but I know he did not abandon me. I have to transition my love that I can see – in his face and life, into a spiritual one – similar to one I have with my creator and savior. It will take time, but I’ll get there.
Another beautiful part of having faith, is it’s light to carry. If you’ve ever held or carried a grudge…it’s heavy, isn’t it? It's heavy and ugly. It’s so much easier to carry faith, which allows for forgiveness and understanding – than it is to lug around anger and resentment. Not only is faith light to carry with you everywhere, it allows you to pass any other burdens you have off to it, too. It definitely makes our journey much easier that way.
The roads on our journey are not always smooth. There are some that are not only broken – but are downright unpaved and jagged. We trip, stumble, and fall; all are a part of the journey preparing his will for us. I don’t necessarily know what God’s will is for me – but I know that instead of sitting here feeling abandoned by my loved one – that I will work toward a different relationship with him and I will be far more healthy to instead choose to abandon my questions and doubt so I am free to move where God needs me next. My concerns, confusion, sadness and grief don’t change what’s happened to my son or the life I’m left to live without him – but I’m definitely not going to allow it to change my path back to him (Satan can keep moving along when looking for his next victim - I am not his girl). I may have a jagged path, but I will gladly crawl my way out of here on God’s terms; at least I know what’s waiting on the other side. 1 John 5:13: I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life.
Intentionally Yours,
Crystal
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