I’m one of those people who will ask how you are and genuinely wants an answer – I may not slow down for the answer as I’m walking by, but I will turn my head to wait for the response and backtrack if I don’t get one. I’m guilty of telling you I’m great when I’m not and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be more than ok again – or if I even want to be. I can muster up a smile for you and will enjoy a conversation and the company of my family and friends, but my anxiety is high. I know that’s of no surprise to anyone, but I don’t know how to fix it – any of it. That’s not really how I work. I always fix it – if I can’t fix it, I know someone who can or it probably shouldn’t be fixed. I am pretty creative with my hot glue, ribbon and the occasional duct tape work but the impact here – is against an innocent family. MY FAMILY. My children just had their brother ripped from them and quite honestly, part of me is really pissed off! At no one. I have nobody to be angry at. I am a red-headed Leo – I can always find someone to blame and can usually justify why they did it, too.
Not this
time.
Building
a family is hard work. There’s a lot of teaching and mistakes and forgiveness.
We have all built our lives around this precious part of our family (we are ALL
precious to our families – know your worth) and we just don’t get any more hugs
or kisses from him? He’s not going to chase his little brother around to tickle
him mercilessly or challenge his big brother in basketball? He won’t dance with
his niece again or be at his brother’s weddings (when those days come)? I spent a lot of time growing and birthing
those wide shoulders – and now he won’t be there for his siblings to lean on
when his dad and I pass on? This is a
ridiculous rip off! No more help cooking, no more begging for green bean
casserole or brownies – no more camping trips?
But he’s the only one who builds the fire the way I like it!!! Please,
God – I will make him biscuits and gravy until he can’t eat another bite and he
can snitch all of the sausage out of sausage and potatoes that he wants! Give him back! Pleeeeeeeease????? How is he
gone at 21?!?!
Because
time is not owed to anyone. God did not owe me Keegan, he blessed me with him.
I am honored to have 4 beautiful boys that I get to call mine and if anything –
I owed it to God to care for him to my greatest ability for every minute of his
life. If you know me – you know I did. My life is completely built around
caring for my children, setting an example (not that it’s a flawless one, by
any means) – but I am completely and totally, intentionally theirs. And all my
anger is simply wasted energy. I am literally wearing myself out trying find
someone or something to blame. Just pass me the duct tape so I can try to piece
my family back together. Except, the tape won’t stick through our tears.
As a
whole, God has really taken care of our family over the years and placed a lot
of tremendous people in our lives for us to love and to love us, perfectly.
From the family I have been so incredibly blessed with, to the people I was
raised with, to friendships only a few months old – we have been held so
tightly through all of this, there is no way for us to fall. In faith, family
and friendship – we are loved.
We had 4
(steady) hours of visitation before the service for Keegan – it was beautiful
and it was overwhelming. The seats were full with people standing across the
back and in the aisles as I gave my second-ever attempt at public speaking and
the longest procession to the cemetery one of the employees claims he’s seen in
the 6 years he’s worked there. Keegan
was smart and funny and loved. A lot.
The pall bearers were some of Keegan’s closest soccer team mates who
wore their jerseys to accompany him out for the last time and one of the most
powerful things I remember through this whole experience was as I filed in
behind those jerseys (as I had countless times over the years), following all
of these boys I had the pleasure of watching grow into men….I walked as a
grieving mother, head down, shoulders hunched in a form of woman who had been
beaten and about 1/3 of the way down the aisle, I could feel myself being set
back up straight, shoulders back – chin up….as I have told my children
countless times through the trials of their lives. I took a deep breath, accepted that I was
literally being carried through that moment and kept on walking. I didn’t
consciously change my posture, (I surely didn’t have the strength, I was
exhausted) - it was done for me. I had been shifted back into an upright
position without being touched as if to say, “This will not beat you.” even
though I very much felt it had. There were so many things I accomplished that
day that can only be explained as the grace of God carrying me through – seeing
my son for the last time on this earth, walking up to the podium to speak to a
packed house, following my son out with his team for the last time and walking
away from him in the cemetery. I didn’t
want to leave him – that’s not how it’s supposed to work; a mother doesn’t
leave her child. I was ok to be beaten by this – this is my son, whom I adored
and he was taken from me in a cheap and dirty way, as far as I’m concerned. And
then I began thinking in the following days and weeks of who is to blame –
who’s winning from my loss? I grabbed my duct tape to mend this busted and
broken heart and got to work, praying and writing and praying some more.
Satan is
the cause of death and misery in the world and he will NOT be winning any
battles on me. OH, no no no no no no! My
little red-headed Leo temper is out – I am made of SO much more than that. GAME
ON, Satan. (Ephesians 6:10-13
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor
of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our
struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the
authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual
forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God,
so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and
after you have done everything, to stand.). I have experienced enough grief
in my life to know a few things about getting through it & of course I’m
going to share it with you now (what would be the point if I didn’t?).
· You
have to feel it and process it or else it builds until you finally explode in
one way or another – no matter how that goes down, it doesn’t end well. Do
yourself the favor and feel it as it comes. I cry in the car, I cry making
dinner, I cry in the bathroom, I cry sometimes even in the middle of a
conversation (bothers you way more than me – I earned those tears, as far as
I’m concerned). Sometimes I yell (alone) and sometimes I’m just crabby – I’m
honest about it and forewarn people – it’s a part of my process, tomorrow is a
new day and most likely, it will be better.
· My
son very much lives on. In me, in his
brothers, his friends – in so many loved ones he left behind. It is our charge,
to find all of the amazing ways he left his mark. His sense of adventure and
humor are in his brothers and friends, his smile I’ve been told – is from me,
but I will tell you all day long he is the spitting (blonde) image of his
daddy, his gentle and kind spirit is found in his cousins and his work ethic
and dedication are easily shared and found with his team mates.
· Remembering
your loved ones care for you is key. I
know my son does not want my story to end, my life to stop. I was scheduled to
participate in a 5k the weekend after his service. Five days after we laid his body to rest, I
was supposed to go with my ‘Team Brave’ girls and I honestly did not feel like
it and they knew it, but when I began contemplating whether or not to go, all I
heard was Keegan saying, “Mom, I do not want to hear it – get your butt out
there and get it done.” – so, of course I did. Going back to the incredible
people God has placed in my life, these girls are so supportive of me and my
journey in Christ and we talked about lots of other things, not just Keegan and
loss and it helped. Tremendously.
Healing
doesn’t just come in and silently fix everything and leave you a brilliant ray
of sunshine. You have to do some work. You have to realize its ok and to make
the choice to heal, intentionally. Our loved ones are not upset to see us
healing and loving and being happy again – if anything, that is their wish for
us!
Grab your
duct tape and get to work.
Intentionally
Yours,
Crystal
Beloved
God, today I pray that you help us understand that your love for us is greater
than anything we can imagine (Ephesians 1:4 "Even before he
made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without
fault in his eyes.") and that through you, we will find the strength to
carry on as Mary did when she had to witness the torture and endure the loss of
her son, Jesus. I pray you help us turn over our trials and tribulations to you
so that we may be free to focus on living more like Jesus; forfeiting greed,
conceit & judgement and trusting you will help us become more giving people
to mankind - sharing love, patience, and forgiveness and I pray that you help
us find comfort in the armor you so readily provide us - we just have to gear
up to have protection in this world. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen
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