Loving Your Legacy

One of the most serious things I can think of - is a funeral. It really just doesn't get more intense than that, right? All of the hopes and dreams – anything you’d hoped to accomplish better be done because that’s it! Did you say your peace? Did he? Did he owe you money or did you owe him? I sit and think about some of things I experienced the day of my son's funeral and once I kind of push myself past my complete awe of everyone who was there to support us....and the presence of the Holy Spirit and God’s strength that helped get me through that day, I remember being stunned at how much some of the kids have grown and all of the friends that I've been meaning to get together with and haven't. We had family there we don't see nearly enough and people who have been a part of our lives, for a very long time (the by and beyond blood family). It was an incredible experience to have all of this love that has surrounded me and my children our whole lives (or at least the better part of it). So. Tremendously. Grateful. Do they know how we feel about them? I am fully aware that I have not been flawless in my relationships – neither was my son. We all make mistakes, but we practice forgiveness and understanding regularly (of ourselves and others) and hope for the same in return. The whole idea of ‘an eye for an eye’ makes me feel good on days I am in the mood to be a bad ass, but it’s not very practical when you’re trying to be a good person. When trying to set a positive example, we need to do the hard work of loving our enemies and exercising forgiveness. Anger is easy, I’m learning in my old age. Tough stuff for the red-headed Leo! I feel the vast majority of the people in our worlds know we love them - or they wouldn't have been there that day but there was some regret there too.

If you’re one of those people who is maybe experiencing some regret in your relationship with Keegan (or anyone else you’ve lost) – step back for a second and think about whether that’s what he (they) would want of you? I can assure you, it’s not.  We give people the benefit of the doubt and I hope we always do. If YOU decide to rip me off – that’s between you and God and He is going to take care of me (and oh yeah, he’s going to take care of you, too). Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. At the end of the day, we could spend a lot of time and energy worrying about every person who crosses our path and who has wronged us – or we can let the Lord take care of us, as He intended, and use our energy to be positive and supportive to the people positively engaged in our lives. In all reality, some people make an art out of lying and getting one over on people. My theory is that I don’t have time to play a private investigator to determine who’s being honest and who’s not. That’s not how I’m living my life. I don’t see everything, I don’t know everything….but you aren’t hiding anything from God. God knows what you’re doing and he knows your heart so you hash it out with him; quite frankly - I have better things to do.  Good luck with that.

My oldest son is quickly approaching 24 and Keegan was 21 - where their friendships are transitioning from 'childhood' friends to 'adult' friends. It’s rough because we don’t necessarily talk about how this happens – but it does happen and I see my kids and a lot of their friends struggling with the details of their friendships. A few of them came through the visitation line that day and I want them to know that it’s ok! Your friendships will transition into mature relationships as you, yourself mature. You won’t be texting or calling daily – or even multiple times a week. Some of you want to be out all of the time and some of you just want to relax on the couch - it all depends and it's all ok. Still friends - just differently. I remember Keegan feeling guilty when Tommy died - that he didn't make a greater effort to be around Tommy more and support him more. The thing that Keegan didn't see, is that Tommy knew Keegan was always there for him - whether he was beating down his door every day or not. Keegan did not HAVE to be in Tommy's presence every day to know he had his back. If we take a step back, we all know that if Tommy felt Keegan could have helped - if I could have helped - if his parents or sister could have helped....he would have called us because that was our relationship. Tommy carried our love for him with him every day - I know this by the warm smile and deep hugs he greeted me with every time I saw him – he knew. Tommy's case is more difficult I feel, because he took his life by suicide. We are all left standing here wondering what we could have done differently when Tommy's choice had nothing to do with us and everything to do with a chemical imbalance. Our ongoing struggle remains in educating (ourselves and others) on the ties between mental health and suicide, providing support and breaking the stigma attached to suicide so people aren't afraid to have conversations, seek help and know where their resources are. While we have the darling Princess Esperanza as part of Tommy’s legacy, we also have the very important work of spreading this message as part of Tommy’s legacy - but we should not have regret. 

As Keegan's friends filtered through the visitation line and cards came in the mail from across the miles, many I was fortunate enough to watch grow up with my son - into these honorable young men and essentially - they felt guilty for not getting together with him or talking with him more often. They were filled with feelings of remorse and it broke my heart and here’s why. Keegan knew he was loved – he knew very well when he came to me, a teacher, coach or friend, he was absolutely going to get his way. Whatever it was. Not that he was manipulative about anything, but he was smart and he was charming and he was confident (not cocky). He could always explain why his idea was going to be in your best interest - if he'd have found something he was passionate about, he'd have been an outstanding salesman! He was a hard worker and had been helping prepare for Baby Espi's arrival and taking care of her Momma. He was still very much grieving the loss of Tommy and was a highly engaged member of our family. He was adjusting to a huge increase of responsibility as an adult when Espi was born earlier this year - he was building his life and legacy; he was busy, without regrets because he knew the value in what he was doing couldn’t be replicated. He would not want a single person to think of him and feel sorrow – of that, I am sure. Proverbs 15:13 - "A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed."

When the older boys were younger (my youngest is in this stage, presently) and they’d get angry with me they’d say, ”I don’t like you, Mom!” and my response has been the same for 20 years…”You don’t have to.”.  My boys will tell you that I was always their parent first and we’ve had uncomfortable discussions and I’ve had to make painfully hard decisions and encourage them to make them as needed, too, because you don’t get anywhere in life skipping along on the easy paths everywhere you go (plus, we always seem to find support in unsuspecting areas when we challenge ourselves). A lot of these things were presented to them under the premise of, “I know it’s not a discussion we want to have, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if we didn’t…..” – to be honest, sometimes it’s not a discussion. I readily admit I don’t need (or want) to know everything but am pretty good at 'suspecting' a situation and I just put my unsolicited 2 cents in because I’m the Momma and I can. It doesn’t hurt them to listen to my words – hopefully at some point, they’ll mean something. There are times I find things I know I’ve told them a hundred times and I get a unique opportunity to tell them one. more. time. because they’re in a situation that it pertains directly to and I can tie it together nicely for them and say, SEEEE, this is why! For instance, when I told them I wasn’t very concerned about what Jeff’s or Brandon’s parents let them do as kids – I don’t have to answer for how Jeff or Brandon act - I have to answer to how YOU do! And when Jeff or Brandon are serving a detention…I’m redeemed! I needed them to pay attention to what THEY were doing, not everyone else and as adults, they finally got it. Whew!  Because they may not have figured out – that THEY, are MY legacy (and I'm right back to my dad telling us to ‘act like ya know something’).

There will be all sorts of things in life that will provide you with an opportunity to have regrets – admit when you screw up, recognize it happens – but don’t just sit in it. Take whatever it is and be grateful for the impact it had or lesson learned from it but keep moving and living. Relationships are a risk - not every relationship you give a try is going to be a winner – take whatever value or lesson it brought and accept it and move on to the next step God has in store for you. Not every friend will be with you every minute til the end (and some shouldn’t be), God has your plan, just take your steps with grace. It really doesn’t cost us anything to be a decent human being and I truly believe that Keegan lived his life this way. He was thoughtful of others and giving of his time and patient and understanding. People are not perfect; we ALL make mistakes all of the time and I think he exercised and experienced forgiveness pretty regularly. Forgiveness is an amazing tool and I think once we start to exercise it, it becomes easier to do.

One of the most impactful cards I received came from one of Keegan’s old teammates who wrote me about his memories of being the new kid on the soccer team and how Keegan made him feel welcome and included him from the beginning of his time here and their friendship grew from there. He saw Keegan’s kindness in action time and again and with some of the more difficult personalities, too and that, my friends – is the kind of thing I think Keegan wants you to think of when you think of him. Not regret. He doesn’t want you to be sorry for not texting, messaging or calling him – he wants you to remember the jokes and laughter, for sure. I think he would want us to let his love, laughter, patience and forgiveness be his legacy – and so his legacy it shall be for me and mine.

 

Intentionally Yours,

 

Crystal