Heart Broken

My intelligent, strong, vibrant, charming and handsome young son died in a car accident. I feel like I probably roll my eyes every time I say "accident". Even if you add "tragic" or “terrible” - it's still not very accurate. An "accident" is dropping an egg on the floor or not pressing the brakes quite hard enough to keep from bumping in front of the person in front of you to stop for a red light. It's just a ridiculous understatement - my son died in the horrifying mangling of his car. Keegan got into his "supercharged" car while he was angry, at night, in the rain, with horrible tires and bad headlights, without a seatbelt on. He took his "supercharged" car down a country road and you could clearly see the road curved - and his car simply, did not. He went straight, they could see where he hit his brakes, slid through wet, thick brush and weeds for a rough estimate of about 500 feet off the road before he spotted a berm and tree; cranked his wheel to avoid them before his car proceeded to roll over – they estimate about 3 times. He had a family who cherished him, a girlfriend who loved him and a myriad of friends that adored him. He had so much life ahead of him and he was very intent on enjoying it.

It's so difficult to not be angry that he’s gone - but angry at who? I wanted to be angry at his girlfriend for the fight - but I know she never intended for this to happen, she very much loved my son. Keegan never handled conflict well and sometimes there's just no way around it. Keegan's perspective from pretty early on was always that it was better to ask forgiveness than seek permission and sometimes he was able to get by with that - but it usually just allowed him the ability to justify things in his own mind that he shouldn't have been doing in the first place. My son was many wonderful things; perfect - he was not. I wanted to be angry at the county for not having a rail on the road to keep cars from going through the area he did - but we live in a rural area with a LOT of winding roads. I don't quite support the idea myself of rails on every curve in the county - so that wasn't realistic either. I tried to be mad at the car manufacturer for making this ridiculous “supercharged" car that goes way too fast for any legal limits I know of but that goes into infringing on our freedom and all of that business. I learned when my boys were little that if they want something bad enough (toy guns), they will find a way to get or make them (Legos) even if you vehemently deny them access (OR they just bring them home from the church fun fair - true story). I am a firm believer that just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD and that’s definitely a lesson I try to teach my boys. This applies here not only in the production of this car, but in general – the ability to speed and take such tremendous risk. I tried to be angry at God, but I know all too well that God's plan for us never involved grief and despair (John 6:40 For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.). Mad at myself? I taught him to wear a seat belt. I clearly recall sitting in front of daycare one day for 15 solid minutes because he refused to keep his seatbelt on when he was 3 - and then when he finally did leave it on for any length of time, we got about 6 blocks away before I brake checked him because he thought he'd be sly and unhook it after we started moving. I never had another problem after that. I only go about 5 miles over the speed limit (okay – maybe 8!) because I know my luck - and I try really hard not to push it. I never set that example of driving angry and fast...I hardly even use my horn.

I feel like I failed and didn’t keep my son safe – my #1 job as a mother - but I also know what I taught him. Keegan was 21 years old and I can try to be mad at him for making some really bad choices that day, but on the other side of that coin, my faith tells me that it was his turn to be called home and nothing was going to change that (Isaiah 14:24 The Lord of hosts has sworn: “As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand. Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.) I guess I'm grateful to have all of these factors that give me the reasons why and it wasn't something that mysteriously killed him, right?

This has been a pretty exciting year for me spiritually and I know that’s not by any mistake. I attended a women’s conference earlier this year that was about focusing on the roles God has placed you in and being certain you’re doing the best job you can in those roles. As a whole, we were charged with creating our own groups, our own “Team Brave” to set up some goals – personally, spiritually and professionally and mindfully stepping outside of our boxes and work on being stronger Christian women. Being brave in our faith. Intentional. I have a nice list of things to work on for the year but one of my greatest failings I can tell you right now as a mother is in the spiritual direction of my children. Don’t get me wrong, my kids know a lot more about God’s expectations and Jesus’ life than they even know – I just never wrapped the lessons up with the bow of ‘religion’ tied to it. They were never required to go to church and really only saw their parents go for holidays, even though I consider myself to have a very strong relationship with God and pray daily; my kids don't see it. The struggle now, is that they’re not well versed in praying – which is something we all need desperately right now so I will be adding some personal prayer in here as a way of sharing with our family and friends and anyone else who’d like to stop in and hopefully, we can all do some healing together.

My approach to healing will simply be to grieve toward God, with my village - because I also know that we are not meant to go through this life alone. We are meant to be together and hold each other up - so let's do this!

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal


Lord, please wrap your loving arms around our broken-hearted family. We know that will be our only way to find healing. Please help us remember that there are other forces at work on this earth and that sometimes we need to make hard decisions to get where we want or need to be. Satan will put forth his attempts to make us angry and question you for Keegan’s death, but we know that it was never your plan for us to be separated from our loved ones. We pray that this horrible tragedy strengthens us as a family and while we are all grieving differently, you are here for each of us in any capacity we will allow your light to shine through in us. May we find comfort and peace in your loving grace and each other. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen