Fishing

The purpose behind Intentionally Yours is to provide an intentional direction of healing toward God. For me, there’s just not an option – I need to heal, not only for myself, but for my children – my niece & nephews, my siblings - for Keegan’s friends and the families that are ours, by & beyond blood. Philippians 4:7 states, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – that sounds like exactly what I need! Someone to guard my heart and mind? Yes – that would be GRAND! I could sit at home trying to heal myself, by myself, and check in from time to time with everyone and hope for the best (for them and me), or I could make the choice to share with you where I’m at and how I’m ‘doing it’ – because many of you have expressed you don’t know how I can.  I was very much built to be a survivor, I didn’t have an easy childhood and I was a single mother to 2 boys by the time I was 22 – a year before I lost my dad. My dad was not only my primary parent & biggest supporter – truly an amazing example of selflessness. Before the age of 25 I had experienced some of the greatest loves and losses there are in life. Life has not been easy; but I have been greatly blessed. I will always be ok, until the one day I am not (and truly on that day, I’ll actually be better than ever to be joined with my savior). God didn’t take my life with Keegan’s, I am left here to live it and I don’t know about you – but I plan on showing my gratitude for this one, precious life that I was given - by putting forth the best effort I can & to encourage anyone I can to do so, too.

I don’t believe any of us are here by ‘accident’ – which means we have purpose – I feel this is part of mine. I was built to be pretty transparent (honest, genuine, real) – so I intend to be here for you, on purpose. I’m not sitting around waiting for time to pass by and then wonder what happened – I plan on using this time to be of use, somewhere – some way. I also know, as I’d mentioned before, we are not meant to do it alone – so I offer myself to each of you and the most honest account of my journey I can give you and hope like crazy, that it helps – in some way - if even only for one of you, in a small way. It is certainly not an option to curl up in a ball in the corner to pout, cry or be angry – not for me and hopefully, you make a different choice too. You may not be personally grieving right now - but chances are, someone you know is, sadly - and there may be a day you need some help and encouragement and my words will be here, hopefully helping.

I checked in with my 12 year old this week, to see if he’d read any of the blog. Of course he hadn’t, (even though I knew it was clogging up his FB feed) but what 12 year old reads on purpose on summer break? Considering part of my purpose here is to help him process his grief, I asked him to read Heart Broken and to make sure he asked me if he had questions. I followed up the next day and he’d read it – had no questions and I asked if he wanted to read Pass the Duct Tape and he said no – he didn’t want to be sad that day. I have to say, I was very impressed. Not because he’d read Heart Broken, and not because he had the guts to tell me no to reading Pass the Duct Tape, but because at 12 – he had a justifiable reason as to why he didn’t want to read something, in the interest of his own self-preservation. Wow. And he knows it’s there when he’s ready to. So, I asked what kind of things he’s thinking about, what’s he stumbling over – and he told me he keeps imagining the accident in his head.  An accident that none of us were present for, mind you.  Yikes. 

I did this myself for the first 2 weeks and it’s frustrating to not know what exactly happened. What we do know is this: dark, rainy, bad headlights and baldish tires, angry and no seatbelt in his ‘supercharged’ car. The investigator found brake marks and evidence of the car rolling over. The coroner cited fractured skull, broken neck and two broken wrists and that he would not have been in pain, he would have died instantly. Welllll – gooood?  I guess that’s something to be grateful for??? I saw my son’s ‘skull fracture’, I’m certain he did not suffer. Plus, Keegan, up until….well – THIS – had the most ridiculous good luck I’ve ever seen (something else he clearly got from his Dad because I have next to none).   I would be willing to place a pretty hefty bet to say at some point in the last few seconds of his life, the words, “God, Jesus and Mother” came from his mouth – and not necessarily in a way that would make his Dad and I proud. He knew enough to know he’d messed up, BIG and there wasn’t going to be any negotiating out of this one.  I am sure there was fear, panic, and regret – feelings Keegan was completely unfamiliar with. He was very confident, calm and lived in the moment. YOLO!! (he used to say it allll the time) Part of me is very sad that I wasn’t there for him to help him manage those feelings – any mother wants to help guide their child through unchartered territory, especially such difficult feelings to handle and then it kind of makes me happy in a way, that he was able to spend all 21 years of his life, absent of those feelings until the last few seconds. That’s where my luck lies, in my children. 

 It can be really bothersome when I think of other car accidents that were rollovers or where someone hit a tree – why did that person get to live? Why couldn’t Keegan be allowed to survive? If he would’ve worn his seatbelt or had decent tires – would he have lived then? If he had lived, would he have been the same? (NO, he would never have been the same – of that, I am sure, not physically, psychologically or emotionally). Was there something I could’ve done to change the outcome of this in any way? (the answer is NO, by the way – God’s will, remember?) It’s not our place to understand all of the what-fors and why-nots, it’s our place to trust His plan and make the best of the roles He has placed us in. We don't have to like it, we just have to live with it (this phrase is very familiar to my children).

Keegan was a great negotiator.  He’d be grounded and have someplace he wanted to go and beg me, ‘Just let me go for 3 hours and I will take 3 more days of grounding – a day for every hour, Mom – pleeeeease???’. Well, he’s still serving his time, right?  I was running my family – not a prison and I wasn’t trying to wreck his life, I was trying to help him build one.  I would take that negotiation because the point was made, I felt. He knew he’d made the mistake and that there were repercussions, as long as the lesson was learned….and it was. Going back to the trait of his that he would rather ask for forgiveness than for permission?  Yeah, he knew there were consequences and sometimes, he was more than willing to pay the price or serve the grounding. The thing is, that he was also one of those kids you could give an inch and he’d take a mile – or maybe two, so there were a few occasions where I’d just have to be extra firm and get him reeled back in before he got too far out of control. There is not a big enough fishing pole to reel him in this time, but I can reel myself in – and his brothers.

There is nothing that any of us could have done that day. Keegan knew he had no business out on that road, in that car, going as fast as he was – and still he went. I’m sure that THIS was not his intent, however -but there is nothing any of us can do to change it. We can fish around for the rest of our days looking for some little factor to the day we might’ve been able to somehow change, it’s not going to bring him back; it doesn’t change the outcome. The woulda/coulda/shoulda’s of this life, rob us of time that we could be doing something actual in our lives – like really going fishing with Grandpa and intentionally making some positive memories instead of dwelling on bad ones.

Yours,

Crystal