Present

One of our greatest fears when we lose someone close to us, is that they will be forgotten. I can tell you from losing my dad almost 20 years ago, that I carry him with me every day. I will never forget his hands or how he smiled. I’ll always remember his walk and how he made me feel like the luckiest little girl in the world –even when I was 20 years old. His favorite beer was Pabst and he used to love to eat sardines with my sister. He loved my grandmother’s pork roast with sauerkraut and dumplings (yes, boys, that is one of the reasons we eat this meal regularly). A slice of lemon merengue pie was a bit of heaven to him and he usually had a Frisbee in his truck to battle the boredom that ensued if he made my sister and I travel any length of time. My dad’s sense of humor was one of his trademarks and certainly, one of the things I carried on in my life and my boys carry on in theirs. His words of inspiration were, “Go for it!” and he parted ways with, “Catch ya all of a sudden!”. I frequently hear him reminding me to, ‘Act like ya know something!’. My brother looks like him, my sister jokes like him –my eldest son is built like him and Keegan laughed like him. My aunts and uncle remind me of him immensely and I suppose to some degree – I do to them (at least I hope so) – my dad is with me, every day of my life. If I had to narrow down the most prominent trait I took from my dad, I would have to say that when you see my passion for my children – you see my dad.

My son, Keegan, was definitely a unique combination of generous, kind hearted, funny, confident, a lover of children, animals and life. We are raised to embrace that we are all unique, but it is never as obvious as when you lose someone’s life. The boys used to say that Keegan was my favorite (in jest) and I tried to explain to them that they are ALL my favorites – each in their own way. They each bring such different, wonderful traits to the table – it would never be fair to compare them. We can find bits and pieces of Keegan here and there to give us sweet reminders, but the whole collection of everything that made him who he is – is gone. Anyone who knew him knows he couldn’t possibly be duplicated. Our current situation is to find out where we can keep him in a part of our every day. We will find things as we go, on how to include Keegan.  We will think of him when we have his favorite foods and in addition to the lemon pies I bring to family gatherings in remembrance of my dad, I will now make brownies to make sure I’ve got Keegan covered too. I’ve found places that use your dried flowers (from the service) to embed in jewelry beads for necklaces, rings and bracelets; necklaces and rings we can have engraved with his fingerprint and signature – which is no small feat.  Keegan wrote really small, so I enlarged his signature 186% for it to be usable.  Holy. Cow. But it turned out perfectly.

One of the most heartbreaking parts of losing Keegan is that he leaves a 3 year old brother and 2 year old niece behind – whom he adored. It's one thing to tell the older kids to take the dearest parts of Keegan to you - and incorporate them into your everyday life and you will have Keegan with you. It’s really hard to look at my youngest son and my granddaughter and wonder, how do we keep Keegan in their lives so they don’t forget him – so they always know how much he cherished them?  I joke that it’s surprising our youngest ever learned to walk since most of the pictures with Keegan have him being held on Keegan’s hip or carried on Keegan’s shoulders. There are so many more memories they should have with him; memories his dad and I should have with him. There is so much more time his brothers needed. I think it’s natural for me to sit and wonder if he’d had the opportunity to have his own child, what he/she would look like – would they have Keegan’s build, kind heart or sense of humor, his beautiful smile or broad shoulders? And then I have to stop– because I’m robbing myself of time when I do that. I’m essentially torturing myself because as I mentioned previously, that time – those things, were never promised to me. I had no right to those expectations, they were hopes and dreams that (hopefully) MOST of us will have an opportunity to enjoy – but not all – so I find I have to check myself. What I DO have, is the right to enjoy the memories I was given – all of the times he made us laugh, how he played along with his brother’s antics, and the antics he started himself (the child definitely knew how to start a ruckus). The wonderful times camping, the countless soccer practices, games, and tournaments - the years we contemplated joining the two events and just camping out at the soccer complex! As we go through our own processes of grief, we will find Keegan in so many ways we never even realized before. In the meantime, I take heed to Ecclesiastes 6:9  Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have.

So, what made Keegan so great; what would he want people to take from his example? He was giving and loving and smart and strong. He never showed up half-way….not on the soccer field and not for dinner. He enjoyed life – every bit of it and you knew this because he was so much fun to be around. If you saw Keegan stressed, something had gone terribly wrong. He very much lived in the moments of his life as they came, he didn’t hold grudges and wasn’t worried about plans that changed….it was always ‘all good’ to him and when he was there, he was there – engaged and yours. He was not the shy kid in the corner. Ever. Well - a new situation might cause him to take a few minutes to warm up, until he could find his entrance to make you laugh.

A couple of weeks after Keegan died, I sat down to update our family’s online calendar. Our schedule is often out of control, but this app is of great help to us. I needed to update appointments and enter in my younger son’s football schedule. The app provides a reminder tool, which I have sent out to the older kids so they are automatically reminded of games, etc. and I come across Keegan’s name and I stop.              

Umm – heyyy therrrre.         

Do I remove his name?

Is it going to bother the kids to see his name there?

Will it bother them to see his name NOT there?

What do I do?

How do I handle this?!

I left it there for a little while as I took care of everything else (I let the dilemma simmer there for a while) – and eventually decided Keegan’s name stays. Keegan is a part of our family and while his body is not physically here - he IS very much here with us, every day. He will be present at those football games as he often was, to cheer on his little brother and encourage him to play hard and have fun.

I took Keegan off to college 3 years ago in early August, he had to report early for soccer training but he called me on my birthday, we skyped – he was with me ‘in spirit’ we would say, right? This year, this was a tough one. There was a surprise ‘non’ birthday party thrown for me (I’m not really a fan of celebrating my birthday, per se, so my dear friend found a work around) and it was really wonderful – full of such great friends and lots of family. On the ride home, I started thinking about how tremendously lucky I am to have this wonderful life; I was sad that my little football player couldn’t make the party (practice just started –if you miss practice, you don’t get to play) and then of course, that Keegan was missing. Keegan’s never going to be there again…and just like that, in the midst of this profound gratitude - I’m overwhelmed with grief and trying not to sob and upset my little one in the back seat. My husband quietly reaches for my hand and squeezes and just holds it (God bless this husband of mine, in his quiet understanding of me). How can it possibly be that I don’t get to see my kid? Ever. Again.?!?!?! 

Part of leading an intentional life is to simply be present in the moments that are yours. This moment of grief was mine to feel and experience and then move from – but I have to feel it fully, so I can move from it. If I don’t – if I push it down and avoid it, it will grow and fester and come back stronger. I cannot sit in it and stay there, as much as I might like to sometimes. Sadly, I know there will be more moments like this to come, a lot of them.  Some will be worse and some won’t be as bad as this one – but I will need to get through them so I have room for the other moments God has planned for me – moments of happiness, joy, success, and laughter. I have to be mindful to stay focused on the positive things in life or I could very easily let Satan use this to sneak in – some way, somehow – to make me angry or bitter. Each of you will have your own moments and quite honestly – they don’t always come at the most convenient times. I’ve had to push some of mine down and wait for a few hours and I will purposefully bring myself back to it so I can experience it, get through it and bring myself back to God’s grace. Psalm 31:15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me.  This verse tells me that God knew we would struggle and that He would rather we turn that burden over to him so that we may get on to the task at hand. Living. Being present, so at the end of our lives we aren’t sitting here wondering what we did with our time. Did we use our lives for a positive influence, loving our enemies, showing forgiveness in our own lives and being faithful to God? Or did you spend your time avoiding, numbing and ignoring?  

I tend to be a tad bit of a control freak on a lot of things in my life – I find comfort in order and structure – but I will tell you what, any chance I have to turn something over to God to handle, I’m all over it. I have the utmost of faith that He has my back, always has – always will and I have NEVER been let down. I can readily admit that there are times I did not agree or understand, and sometimes I do get frustrated, but have found that it always comes full circle and sooner or later – it works itself out. People have made statements over and over to me on how difficult of a life I’ve had – but I have never felt anything but gratitude – even now. I don’t know why Keegan was taken from us so young, but I know it was in God’s plan and I know that in our grief, right now – God is with us, carrying through each of these moments; He is present – and so is Keegan.

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. My advice? Let him.

Intentionally Yours,

Crystal